Fathers and Sons: Masculinity, Men, and Relationships

Father's Day beckons us to show our dads love and appreciation. However, I’ve often found that daughters seem to have an easier time expressing affection toward their fathers than do sons. Though men are more prone, in general, to discomfort expressing emotion, that discomfort doesn'tinterfere with our ability to express love and affection toward our mothers: on Mother's Day or any other day.

Why the emotional block for sons with their fathers on Father's Day?

Cognitive psychologist and cultural anthropologist Steven Pinker (2012) explained that for thousands of years boys have been socialized to comply with the unwritten rules of the "pecking order" of male social groups. To survive in this pecking order, boys are trained — particularly by their fathers — to avoid traits, like tenderness and emotional sensitivity, that might make them vulnerable. Not only do these traits leave men exposed in the pecking order, they also present obstacles to many of the burdensome tasks — like hunting for food and fighting in armed battle — that men have traditionally performed for millennia.

The socialization of boys in the pecking order has led to them cultivating traits of masculinity that, according to political scientist and gender researcher Heather L. Ondercin, include aggressiveness, assertiveness, dominance, and forcefulness (Edsall, 2022). The adoption of these traits has helped men to fulfill the duties that traditional societies have bestowed upon them, but in today's world, these traits make it difficult for men to express love and affection to other men in the pecking order, including their fathers.

In many ways, the struggles of fathers and sons to express tender emotions to each other are as old as time, or at least as old as Oedipus, and the acceptance of father-son conflict has been so pervasive throughout history that Freud constructed an entire theory to explain these psychodynamics. But forget about Oedipus, in modern times the poster child for father-son conflict (in this or any other galaxy) is Luke Skywalker. In fact, the evolution of Luke's relationship with his father Anakin (aka Darth Vader) offers many lessons in the progression of relationships between fathers and sons.

Father and Son: Locked in an Oedipal Battle

Source: Mirko Toller / Wikimedia Commons

In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke tries to pull off an Oedipal coup, but he is no match for the older, stronger Vader. Despite Vader trying to pull his son into league with him to "rule the galaxy as father and son," Luke has only contempt for his father, refusing to join him. But in Return of the Jedi, Luke has matured, becoming as powerful as his old man. Though he has the chance to kill his father at this point, he shows restraint, leading Vader to then sacrifice himself to save Luke from the Emperor. In the scenes that follow, with Vader about to die, Luke is finally able to express tender emotion to his father.

For so many men, it's not until their fathers become weakened with age or illness — the proverbial lion in winter — that they feel safe enough to express tender, heartfelt emotions to them. But if you’re a son reading this now, and the only thing standing in your way of expressing love and appreciation toward your father is the unwritten code of traditional masculinity, it is my hope that you don't wait until your father is old or ill to do so. Father's Day offers an opportunity to deepen your relationship while it's still early enough to enrich both of your lives. May the force (of love) be with you.

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Check out my discussion of this article with Mike Thompson on The Father Show