How to Get More Commitment and Better Your Sex Life

In what way are sex and commitment in a relationship related? Some say that marriage kills sex, while others report that sex gets better after the commitment of marriage. Still others advise that a good sex life leads to a healthy bond, and sub-par sex is a death sentence for a relationship.

So which one is it—more commitment in a relationship leading to better sex, or a hot sex life making partners more willing to commit? Here, I’ll take you through some of what we know about the relationship between commitment and good sex and reveal what my colleagues and I found from our study of hundreds of couples, finally finding the answer.

Does good sex lead to more commitment?

According to social exchange theory, humans gauge the quality of their relationships based on a perceived cost–benefit ratio, such that relationships with more benefits in relation to costs are given more value. If this theory holds true, partners may be more committed to a relationship that offers them more sexual benefits, which would increase the ratio of benefits to costs of the relationship. Consistent with this idea, some studies show that a higher level of sexual satisfaction at one time point is predictive of higher relationship satisfaction at later time points (e.g., 2 years later, Fallis et al., 2016; across an 11-year period, Yeh, Lorenz, Wickrama, Conger, & Elder, 2006) and that sexual dissatisfaction is an oft-reported reason for ending a relationship, suggesting that low-quality sexual relationships may lead to a lack of commitment for some couples.

Or, does more commitment lead to good sex?

It’s very possible that how committed you feel to your partner (and how committed they feel to you) can create a sense of stability that allows you to communicate and focus on pleasing each other sexually without anxieties or inhibitions, and as a result enjoy mutual sexual satisfaction. With a foundation of strong commitment, couples may develop a sense of safety in their relationships that encourages partners to engage in more sexual exploration and, thus, enjoy more satisfying sexual lives together, and some research supports this idea. For example, marital counseling, which may improve commitment between couples, has been shown to improve sexual satisfaction, even when sexual functioning is not the couples’ reason for seeking therapy. And, compared to those with other reasons for having sex, people who report having sex to express or augment love and commitment report having the best sex.

Our study

So, we know from research that commitment in relationships is clearly linked to sexual satisfaction (for review, see Sprecher & Cate, 2004), but the research is unclear about whether a good sex life predicts a more committed relationship or vice versa. With the research literature a mixed bag, my colleagues and I studied 366 heterosexual couples who were participating in couples' therapy to test, once and for all, whether good sex predicts commitment in relationships or the other way around.

Specifically, we wanted to understand the relationship between changes in commitment and changes in sexual satisfaction throughout the course of couples' therapy. Couple clients all completed questionnaires before therapy and then after each of five couples' therapy sessions. We used cross-lagged panel analyses to test whether changes in sexual satisfaction predicted changes in commitment throughout couples' therapy, or if the causal direction was the other way around.

Results of our analyses revealed bidirectional relationships between sexual satisfaction and commitment. Specifically, sexual satisfaction at the first session of therapy predicted commitment at the second session of therapy, and vice versa. Between the second and third sessions of therapy, sexual satisfaction predicted commitment. Lastly, there was a trend level finding that sexual satisfaction predicted commitment between the third and fourth sessions of therapy.

Our findings show us that throughout the course of couples therapy, both of our hypotheses are true. Good sex leads to more commitment, and greater commitment causes better sex.

It may be that partners who are more committed to each other at the first session of therapy are more invested in their relationship and/or feel safer expressing themselves sexually, thus enhancing their sexual satisfaction at the second session of therapy. And, changes in sexual satisfaction at the first session of therapy may serve as a benefit to a relationship, thus enhancing commitment at the second session of therapy. Our findings are in line with other research that suggests that couples therapy interventions aimed at improving relationship quality in general (which may enhance commitment) indirectly improve sexual satisfaction and that sex therapy also indirectly improves relationship satisfaction.

So, if you want to improve your sex life, you can work on committing more fully in your relationship, and if you want greater commitment in your relationship, you can always focus on having better sex.