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Key points
- When zero-gen daters are exposed to a novel romantic situation, they could freeze.
- Any breach of the social script could lead to social exclusion.
- How to relate to people is a delicate dynamic that frustrates many zero-gen daters.
Mohammed is a pseudonym of a zero-gen dater through whom I will tell the collective stories of traumatized immigrants and refugees who must navigate unfamiliar terrains of modern dating.
Mohammed never dated a woman during his adult life. He was 25 years old yet he never went on a single date. When he was in college, he was proactively social. And girls took notice of him and brought themselves close to him. Yet Mohammed never dared to ask a girl out because of fear.
He is not necessarily religious but rather afraid of exploring intimacy with girls. He was afraid of rejection as well. Dating is a territory he never experienced and the mere thought of going on a date terrifies him.
Julia, a pseudonym of a real character, once invited herself to Mohammed’s room. She was hanging out with him for a while and thought it was time to share a private space. Mohammed reluctantly agreed but did not know what to expect. She came dressed in a weekend-night style.
When Julia entered Mohammed’s room, he was nervous. He wanted to explore intimacy with her since they both liked each other but he could not initiate physical touch. Julia, having brought herself to Mohammed’s room, was expecting him to take the lead. Although she was sitting next to him, Mohammed could not break his fears. The whole night passed and they never touched each other.
Julia thought that Mohammed was not confident in his sexuality, which is an accurate assessment of how he felt that night. And Mohammed felt extremely frustrated with himself as he wanted to explore the realm of intimacy.
Mohammed has simply been deprived of intimacy most of his adult life, which he spent outside the United States. He was not exposed to the dynamics of love and intimacy. Now during his adult life, he has to make a foray into the unfamiliar realm of American dating. Whenever Mohammed stumbled over the social script for navigating intimate encounters, the girls with whom he is interacting disconnect and disengage.
The Frozen Response
Mohammed is a part of a group of zero-gen daters who have never dated for most of their adult life. Then later in life, mostly due to immigration and displacement, they have to start dating. In doing so, they face a predicament as they still make childish mistakes as adults, mostly due to language and cultural barriers.
Research shows that displacement disrupts the biological development of the brain. It marks a transition in the social script as immigrants often have to learn new norms and rules from the ground up and from zero.
Moreover, Mohammed was exposed to a novel situation and he froze at that moment. Although he wanted to act according to his instincts, he was paralyzed by the novelty of the situation. He was locked up in his fears.
Although Julia was sitting in his bed and the distance between their bodies was only 8 inches, crossing that distance felt to Mohammed like traveling the 8,000 miles distance from his country to the United States.
Outsider vs. Insider
Mohammed’s struggle as an outsider with American dating could provide insights to insiders who were initiated into this culture. According to Mohammed, American dating seems to follow a systematic approach and a social script. Mohammed learned that any breach to the social script, whether intended or not, leads to social exclusion.
Mohammed learned the lesson the hard way: if he wants to succeed in American dating, he must learn all of the unspoken rules of dating. In particular, he learned the art and science of how to relate to people. He learned to have expectations and boundaries to navigate interpersonal relationships. He also learned how to leave a favorable impression on the prospective partners he meets. He learned no girl wants to date a guy who is drifting around looking to date anyone.
Where Mohammed came from, he did not have to figure out how to relate with people because his role in society was defined by religion and customs. But in the United States, the “I” is far more important than the “we.” In other words, when two people enter an interaction, they explore each other step-by-step. In the modern culture, and since everyone is distinct, it takes time to get to know someone really well. But in traditional cultures, most people are more alike than different.
