How to Interpret 3 Common Romantic Mixed Signals

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“He loves me...he loves me not.” If this describes the security you experience within your current relationship, it’s time to seek clarity to ensure you are not wasting your time. Research explains how uncertainty impacts relationships.

The Impact of Uncertainty

Gurit E. Birnbaum et al. (2018) examined the impact of uncertainty on romantic desire in a piece aptly entitled “Are You Into Me?”[i] Using an online format testing interaction between prospective partners, they found that relationship uncertainty had a negative impact on romantic appeal only when the potential partners were perceived as uninterested in the study participants.

On the other hand, explicit expressions of romantic interest prompted certainty about intentions, which enhanced romantic appeal. They found the same results within established relationships, where partners' regard resulted in a lower level of uncertainty, which, generated more partner desirability. Birnbaum et al. say that their findings suggest that constraining feelings of desire is a protective mechanism to avoid investing in a relationship with an uncertain future.

“It’s Not You”

The common denominator when interpreting mixed signals in order to resolve uncertainty is the importance of interpreting whether the desire to physically or emotionally disengage stems from feelings about you or your relationship. A partner who is struggling with physical discomfort, anxiety, depression, insecurity, or other negative emotions may be pulling away from having a relationship with anyone, at least in the short term. Here are a few signs to consider:

• Demanding more personal time. A partner who makes excuses to take a break from couple time to hibernate or rejuvenate is messaging motivation: they want to spend time as a single person. But why? It might be due to emotional issues or mental stressors that have nothing to do with you. Posing a few non-judgmental, non-accusatory questions may prompt your partner to reveal the underlying source of the desire to take a break.
• Irritability. If you feel like you are getting on your partner´s nerves or having to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, you are wise to consider the source of stress. Your partner might be forecasting a loss of interest in shouldering the “responsibility” of maintaining a relationship. But first, make sure your partner is not just suffering from stress, situational or hormonal, or acute or chronic pain, which we all know can create intense irritability. Whatever the explanation, extending grace and patience to a partner who is temporarily behaving in a fashion that is unusually curt or tense will allow you to determine whether the episode is one that will pass, or indicates a deeper relational problem. Acknowledging the stress of job responsibilities, family pressure, physical challenges, or other external events will also demonstrate your support.
• Withdrawing Affection. Before you automatically suspect infidelity, think insecurity. Emotional mood swings may produce feelings of unworthiness and unattractiveness that generates fear of rejection. Sometimes these feelings are well-founded. Health-related physical issues which may arise in connection with diet or medication may cause some people to shy away from engaging in the usual amount of physical affection within their relationship, in the same fashion as people keep their distance after a workout before they have showered, or after a cup of coffee before they have had a mint.

Finally, consider all of your partner’s “love languages” before jumping to conclusions. Someone who engages in the same amount of intimate conversation, texting, or affectionate gestures may have legitimate reasons for (temporarily) avoiding physical contact that have nothing to do with losing interest in the relationship, or in you. By trading in your rose-colored glasses for reading glasses, you can acquire a clearer view of your relationship through a lens of objectivity, which may enhance relational certainty and satisfaction.

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