What Teens Should Consider in Romantic Relationships

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The important topic of relationships is very common with my teenage patients, especially as they see their friends starting to date. Let's consider some of the typical issues we discuss.

Romance

During adolescence, teenagers often develop romantic relationships through which they learn more about the nature of infatuation, love, sexual desire, interacting with others, and about themselves. Teenage romance can help prepare people to decide better when, where, and how to engage in a life-long relationship that can lead to much happiness.

Keys to a good relationship include:

1. Healthy long-term relationships develop between people who feel good about themselves. In this way, each member of a couple has the emotional bandwidth to share fully with the other. The focus of a successful relationship often involves both partners doing their best to be respectful, supportive, and loving of one another.
2. The foundation of a good romantic relationship is established when partners first become good friends with each other. Each partner needs to accept each other as they are rather than expect them to change to accommodate the relationship. It is great for friends to support each other to grow at their own pace.
3. Similarly, each friend in a healthy relationship continues to develop their identity and should feel free to spend time with friends outside of the relationship. Any jealousy between the partners has no role in a good relationship.
4. When disagreements arise, the partners in a good relationship work on listening carefully and respectfully to each other, with a willingness and desire to find compromise solutions.

Pitfalls

Situations wherein one or both members of a relationship are seeking someone to help them with their problems typically end up with a broken relationship. Reasons for this include:

• A person who is hurting emotionally is less capable of nurturing a relationship.
• The partner of an emotionally hurt individual may not have the expertise to be able to provide sufficient support. This can cause a significant emotional toll on a deeply caring partner.
• During a relationship, if a person struggling emotionally improves, it can add stress to the relationship as both partners need to adjust to a changed dynamic between them. For instance, a relationship that was established in large part because one partner wanted to rescue the other may weaken after the rescue efforts are no longer central to the relationship.

Adolescence is a time of self-discovery, and when teenagers develop an increased intellectual, emotional, and spiritual understanding of the nature of the world and their potential role in it. When teens embark on a meaningful romantic relationship, their attention is diverted toward their partner. Thus, they take away focus from their development as individuals.

Emotionally-charged issues should only be discussed in person. Texting to communicate important thoughts can lead to misunderstandings and does not permit the partners to benefit from the observation of non-verbal cues between them.

Relationships that start at a young age often end in the short term and sometimes with a lot of associated heartache. Reasons for this include:

• The relationship was started without much consideration regarding the compatibility of the partners.
• The impetus for initiating the relationship came because of peer pressure, pressure from one partner to start a relationship, or fear by one of the partners that they will be ostracized if they don't enter the relationship.
• Young people go through many intellectual and emotional changes through adolescence. Thus, even if they are compatible when the relationship starts, a few months later, they may no longer be compatible.
• The initial impetus for the relationship was sexual attraction, and once that decreases, there may be little in common between the partners, which could help sustain a long-term relationship.

Keeping these common pitfalls in mind can help teenagers navigate their desire to enter relationships with elevated awareness. The key is to remember teenage relationships offer practice for future serious relationships. They should encourage both partners to grow as individuals. For this reason, teenagers in relationships and those who care about them should consistently monitor whether the relationship is holding back either partner.

Sexuality

How and when teenagers should express their sexuality is another common topic of conversation.

There are several points we cover in this regard:

• Sexuality should be expressed only when both partners are ready, give clear consent, and are enthusiastic about the prospect.
• Both partners should be educated about sexuality, including facts about reproduction, forms of sexual expression, sexually transmitted diseases, and the different kinds of birth control available. Both partners should have access to a medical office that attends to their sexual health.
• I have been disheartened to find that a significant minority of teenage patients have not been provided any formal sexual education in school, which is in part attributable to the educational difficulties during COVID. Further, few of my teenage patients have discussed sexuality with their parents. Teens can be encouraged to review one of several books written for teens about sexuality to help fill their knowledge gaps or to consult privately with their healthcare provider.
• Teens should talk with each other about their thoughts regarding sexual interactions and set clear boundaries regarding the kind of interactions they find acceptable. The partners should share similar values regarding sexuality.
• Contraception should always be used for sexual interactions. Using a condom is essential to decrease the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
• Teens should be aware that some of their peers may use others for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, to feel good about themselves, or to achieve popularity. These selfish actions can cause a lot of hurt to partners who enter into physical intimacy with genuine affection and good intentions.
• I suggest that sexual interactions can act as the apex experience of a close relationship, which can help cement it for the long term. On the other hand, when sexual interactions are the main reason for a relationship, the relationship is unlikely to last.
• After a close sexual interaction, the dynamics of the relationship often change; this can occur because one or both of the partners feel differently about the relationship. Perhaps they feel closer than before or more possessive, or that the other partner "owes them" because of the encounter.
• As humans, we are built to desire sexual relationships because this ensures the survival of our species. As a result, we may strongly desire sexual interactions even when they may be socially inappropriate. For this reason, it can be very helpful to place safeguards against unplanned sexual interactions, such as not placing ourselves in situations when we are alone with a partner we desire.

Online Relationships

In some ways, online relationships are easier to establish as people do not get a full sense of each other as compared to when they are physically in each other's presence. Thus, it makes it easier to imagine that some of the online partner's personal characteristics are more compatible than they are. Also, for shy individuals, an online interaction may be easier to initiate and maintain. Given such factors, when people with an online relationship meet in person, they are often disappointed.

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Other major disadvantages of online relationships include that some people misrepresent themselves, scams can occur more frequently, and people can be ghosted more easily.

For all of those reasons, I strongly discourage teens from pursuing romantic relationships online.

Bottom Line

I suggest that teenagers carefully consider the different factors that may be involved before embarking on a romantic relationship. Usually, the best choice for teenagers is to hold off on a close relationship for at least several months to ensure that they can become and remain good friends and then to consider whether moving forward is the best choice for both partners.