Adolescent Changes for Parents to Anticipate

Source: Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D.

Once their daughter or son starts separating from childhood, usually around ages 9 to 13, adolescence commonly begins.

Now the girl or boy feels more restless and dissatisfied, not content to be defined and treated as just a little child anymore, but wanting something different, more, and older.

Thus, the 10- to 12-year coming-of-age passage gets underway as two parallel forces begin to drive adolescent growth.

Expectations about growth

The young person begins to detach from childhood and parents to create growing independence, pressing for more freedom of action. And the young person begins to differentiate from childhood and parents to express growing individuality, pressing for more freedom of self-definition.

On both counts, growing more separate and more unique, parenting a "teenager" is differently demanding than parenting a child. In response, they must now adjust their expectations to keep pace with the young person’s growing changes so they can stay caringly and communicatively connected as adolescent development unfolds and gradually grows them apart, which it is meant to do.

At this point, I believe it helps ease the parental way to foresee common changes in their daughter or son so they can adjust expectations accordingly.

Expectations about relationship

As adolescence unfolds, parents can anticipate distance, diversity, and disagreement to increase between them and their growing teenager.

• They can expect increased distance from growing separation as the young person becomes more private, self-preoccupied, and socially wed to a competing family of peers. In response, parents can feel less close to the teenager and more estranged, missing childhood intimacy and companionship that is over: “She wants to spend most of her time with friends.” “He doesn’t enjoy the old pastimes we used to share.” Instead of feeling abandoned, parents can treat losses of old companionship as opportunities for opening up new ways of being together.
• They can expect increased diversity from growing identification with a contemporary media culture that can significantly contrast with and challenge more traditional adult values and tastes. In response, parents can feel put off by what calls to their teenager and feel more ignorant and estranged: “How he can enjoy such online entertainment?” “How can she like this kind of fashion and dress?” Instead of feeling offended, parents can bridge growing differences with interest by asking to be taught about what they don’t understand.
• They can expect increased disagreement from growing assertiveness and determination to operate more independently, less willingness to immediately comply with what parents ask or tell the young person to do, and more inclined to question the correctness of parental decisions, wanting parents to explain themselves: “Just tell me why this matters?” “You don’t know what’s best for me!” Instead of feeling offended, parents can treat all disagreements as opportunities for discussion through which each can become better understood by the other.

Expectations for parents

Getting used to adolescent changes is what parents must continually do, stage by adolescent stage adjusting expectations for themselves and of their teenager.

• Early adolescence (ages 9-13) brings the loss of childhood when parents look fondly back: “We can miss, but not recapture.” Now parents must let go of beloved old activities and be ready to move on. For the young person, loss begets loneliness.
• Mid-adolescence (ages 13-15) brings the diminishment of parental importance compared to the power of peers: “We still matter, but not as much.” Now time with parents must compete with the call of friends. For the young person, puberty creates sensitivity.
• Late adolescence (ages 15-18) brings risk-taking from acting older: “We can prepare, but not protect.” Now parents must be alert as the adolescent may experiment with danger to become worldly experienced. For the young person, adventure creates vulnerability.
• Trial independence (ages 18-23) brings emancipation from family rule: “We can witness, but not govern.”Now parents must behold the adolescent lapsing some responsibilities before finding independent footing. For the young person, older demand creates stress.

Thus, parents adjust expectations for themselves as the young person proceeds through the growing-up years.

Expectations about schooling

Now consider some examples of how parents might use changing expectations to refocus their relationship, helping the changing teenager as she or he grows through their educational passage.

• “Expecting how the onset of adolescence in late elementary school can be distracting and disorganizing, and paying attention and keeping up can be harder to do, we are here with our supervisory help.”
• “Expecting how middle school can bring more push and shove and pressure in peer relationships than in elementary school, we are ready to give emotional support should any social hardship happen.”
• “Expecting high school can bring more pressures for acting older and grown-up, we will have ongoing conversations about the risks out there, trouble signs to watch for, and safe decisions to make.”
• “Expecting the college-age years to sometimes offer more independent freedom than can initially be managed, we will honor floundering and learning from mistakes, like we did at your age.”

Power of expectations

Expectations are chosen mental sets of three kinds that can have powerful emotional effects, particularly when violated. There are predictions about what will happen, ambitions about what they want to happen, and conditions about what they believe should happen.

• Parents make predictions of how the young person will behave: “We will always know her plans.” When their prediction is violated, parents can feel anxiety: “We’re in the dark!”
• Parents set ambitions of how they want the young person to perform: “We want him to act responsibly.” When their ambition is violated, parents can feel disappointment: “We’ve been let down!”
• Parents set conditions for how the young person should behave: “We demand that our kids tell us the truth.” When their condition is violated, parents can feel anger: “We’ve been betrayed!”

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Because unmet expectations can be so powerfully affecting, when violated, they can have painful emotional consequences. This is why parents are constantly clarifying their expectations with the teenager about foreseeable activities, valued objectives, hard realities, and necessary compliance:

“We talk and talk with you about your life so we can stay on the same page of understanding, anticipation, and agreement. This way we can help you get ahead and also help us to get along."