Verified by 
Key points
- A viable relationship can contain anger as well as love and trust.
- There are ways for partners to communicate upset and discontent without shaming and enraging their partner.
- Regulation and recognition of both partners' needs can move a couple from anger to problem-solving.
If you need to steam in silence, act out in passive-aggressive ways, or become depressed because you fear anger will destroy your relationship, it is time to take a closer look at the bond you share.
Look Closer at Your Relationship
-
If it is not safe for you to have an argument with your partner or to become angry, it is not safe.
-
Compliance, self-silencing, or hidden resentments to keep the peace are not solutions.
-
Research that studied the argument styles of 4,000 men and women in Framingham, Mass., revealed that self-silencing for women and battles of control for men created as serious a heart risk factor as smoking or high cholesterol.
-
Being angry is not damaging. It is what you do with it, how you communicate it, and the impact it has that makes it destructive.
Prevent Anger From Becoming Destructive
-
Most partners who fear the expression of anger in their relationship will tell you they are avoiding a nightmare—a destructive fight.
-
If this is a frightening reality in your relationship, consider strategies to manage and redefine the anger between you.
-
If your fear for the safety of you and your children, seek outside professional help.
Anger Management Strategies
Observe Yourself
Although the knee-jerk solution you want is for your partner to just change, the most effective anger management starts with you. No one can fight alone or carry out the same destructive patterns if the other partner responds differently. When your brain is in fight mode, you are surviving, not thinking.
Hit the Pause Button
In the face of something that really annoys you or makes you angry, grab a moment to pause. This is an important moment that can offer regulation.
Take a Deep Exhale
Taking a breath in and then a deep exhale changes your physiology by reducing your stress reaction. It engages the parasympathetic nervous system and affords a relaxation effect. It opens a space to take stock of your experience.
This is the point where you can lower hyperarousal, and make possible a shift away from a fight/flight stress reaction toward mindfulness: “What am I really thinking and feeling?”
If offers you the opportunity to consider if you are provoking your partner in a way that defeats your message or overreacting in a way that will create chaos not clarification.
You are human. Even if you or your partner go right into fight mode, you can stop yourself at any time. “Give me a moment," take a breath in and then a deep exhale, sit down, pour a glass of water, slow it all down, and say, "I want to take this slowly so we understand what we are trying to say to each other.”
Consider the Broader Context
An important reconsideration for both partners to ponder before, during or after a fight, is context, the other partner’s offense in the light of what is going on in both of your lives. The more you are both able to build this into your thinking, the more likely it will keep you from jumping quickly into accusation and anger.
This does not mean self-silencing or condoning abusive behavior. It means that when she leaves all the doors open, he forgets to pay bills, or she bangs up the car, it is put into some perspective.
Is this the fight worth having? Blame and shame do very little to solve problems, improve functioning, or restore connection.
Give Your Partner Time and Space
If you feel unable to take time to calm down and rethink a situation, but your partner is asking for time and space, let it happen. It can be an invaluable and respectful reset.
If you feel that you just can’t let it go, it is worth asking yourself, “How valuable can talking be if my partner can’t emotionally listen at this point?”
Consider reducing some of your agitation by writing a letter to you or your partner.
Cornering your partner, not permitting him or her to walk away, calm down, or save face fuels irrational and aggressive reactions.
Account for the Audience
Bringing up an argument in front of family, friends, or children adds shame and guilt that generally escalates tension and fighting.
Children are particularly vulnerable in the heat of parental tension or fighting. Babies feel the tone of words and read the expressions on faces. If parents are the primary safety source, two fighting parents not only escalate a child’s distress, they leave no place for safety.
In the case of family members as audience, it is a known fact that families don’t forget—even when the partners do.
Protect Each Other from Verbal Assault
Verbal aggression in the form of continued taunts, insults, accusations, and threats can be as dangerous as threatened physical violence.
Verbal aggression invites withdrawal or retaliation. It rarely invites communication and resolution. At times, it is difficult to forgive and forget.
Avoid an Extended “Silent Treatment”
- It may be that you both need to catch your breath and take a time out to reset—that is different than not talking for days.
- The silent treatment is both provocative and withholding and adds little understanding to a situation.
- When held in the face of your partner’s attempt to apologize and move forward, continued silence limits hope, invites despair and often escalates anger.
Rebuilding Strategies
Use “We” as a Point of Reference
A seemingly small word that has big benefits for couples is the use of “we” when facing and dealing with differences of opinion or anger in a relationship. As different as your issues may be, being able to consider the issue and responses from a mutual perspective is big.
“We are really having a hard time talking.”
“We need to get through this without hurting each other.”
When you can change the perspective from me vs. you to “we," you change the experience from contention to a mutual challenge. Dealing with anger as a mutual challenge is the groundwork of a strong and safe relationship.
Never Be Afraid to Apologize
Be it a hug, a note, or coming back with two cups of coffee, small is big when an apology feels genuine. Don’t be afraid to own your side of the tug of war. It opens a space of trust and re-connection.
“The survival of romance depends not on skill in avoiding aggression but on the capacity to contain it alongside love.” (Stephen Mitchell, 2010)
