The Holidays Are Coming: How to Handle Disagreements

by A. Chris Heath, MD

John had looked forward to his extended family’s gathering at Thanksgiving. Initially, the conversation was going fine, when suddenly tensions skyrocketed as the subject of climate change came up. John believes in the scientific consensus that adopting measures to decrease pollution would help the environment and may help with warming global temperatures. He noted that a majority of world scientists agree that humans can do something about climate change. Even Bill Nye the Science Guy agrees that measures to improve the environment would be helpful, even if we assume climate change is only a myth.

So, after John raised the subject, cousin Joe, who opposes any kind of government regulations, heard his remarks as the first shots of a fight. Around the table, pupils dilated and muscles tensed—and not just in John and Joe. Why, despite flooding, weather changes, and melting glaciers, and evidence that humans can change the course of this trend, are there people who insist that nothing can be or needs to be done?

Dedication to False Beliefs

One explanation is the dedication of many people to false beliefs—in this case, a denial of the reality of climate change and human contribution to it. Another example is belief in the falsehoods about the 2020 presidential election being stolen. What do we do? Is there a way to generate a substantive dialogue? And how does one deal with the sense of helplessness if we cannot?

Sometimes, understanding the motivation of another person is helpful in finding peaceful ways of interacting with those with whom one powerfully disagrees. For example, sometimes a person’s motivation for holding a specific belief is not about rationally weighing the evidence but about emotional factors that create a bias.

Group Narcissism

One common factor in holding a belief is belonging to a group that shares that belief, a phenomenon called group narcissism (also known as collective narcissism). Individuals in such a group hold beliefs that help them sustain an overarching belief that their group—and the individuals in their group—are particularly special. Further, this protective sense of community can lead members of the group to hold beliefs that devalue members of other groups—for example, conservatives who brag about “owning the libs” or progressives who think conservative voters are “deplorables.”

Sometimes, group narcissism can be relatively harmless—for instance, when the belief is about one sports team being better than another. However, when membership in a group entails political views in which emotions override logic, this may lead to damaged relationships, disbelief in public health information, and even violence.

Other Factors Behind Irrational Beliefs

What other factors may lead to people’s dedication to irrational beliefs? There are factors woven into the psychology of individuals that may increase the likelihood of buying into group beliefs. Some research shows that problems with self-esteem increase individuals’ risk of entrusting group beliefs that disparage others. Further, having experienced childhood abuse and neglect may have played a role in increasing the risk of rejecting public health measures such as vaccines and wearing masks during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Unfortunately, arguing with irrational beliefs directly may not work. There is evidence that when outsiders offer corrective information to a group with entrenched conspiracy theories, it can strengthen, rather than weaken the group’s beliefs.

What might explain that? When people’s beliefs are driven by group narcissism, the belief is not entirely based on misinformation. Instead, it is powered by psychological factors that make the belief necessary for individuals’ well-being.

Consequently, there are limited ways to counteract conspiracy theories and group narcissism. It often requires changes in the entrenched group. For instance, sometimes if a trusted individual within a group changes their mind, which research refers to as a “surprising validator”; this can help transform the group belief.

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For example, if an “authority” on the belief that the earth is flat were to publicly acknowledge evidence of problems with that view, followers in that group might begin to tolerate some doubt about the belief. However, in the absence of such “insider” influence, points of view remain entrenched and there are limited tactics in the moment to create a real dialogue.

What Can Be Done?

Political action can sometimes help ameliorate feelings of helplessness. But arguing with one’s neighbor will not. Although one should stand up where one can, it is also necessary to mourn one’s powerlessness. If any change can be invoked, it will be gradual and will emerge from creative efforts. It is not an easy problem to fix; it is a matter of changing culture.

We also need to examine our own motivations. Am I responding to people who hold opposing views, or am I reacting, fueled by my own emotional needs? If group narcissism is a universal human tendency, then I may have the potential to fight for a cause motivated out of my own group identity, rather than a free choice.

Here are some suggestions for responding to those who vehemently disagree with you:

• Be aware of your own loyalties—your own group narcissism. Are you stirred up? Are you having a strong emotional reaction? Are you stuck in an us-versus-them, black-and-white view on an issue?
• Have curiosity about the other person’s point of view. It is important to them and, therefore, important for communication.
• Allow for disagreement. You may not be able to change the other person’s mind; the best we can expect is to have your point of view respected.

Once a discussion becomes a debate, both parties are at risk of simply defending a position, rather than learning something. At these times, the sense of the other person is lost, as the other person is seen only as an adversary. Once you get the impression you are being treated as an outsider, and that you just don’t understand, it may be better to take a break and agree to table the discussion for another day.

We communicate as much in the way we present ourselves as we do with our words. Pay attention to how your emotions affect your expressive style.