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Key points
- What a child wants and what a child needs are different.
- Parents need to spend some time thinking about which is which.
- Guilt and anxiety can be the source of confusion for some parents.
How do you know whether your child needs or wants?
Recently, a mother in our parenting group asked a really good question: Does her 19-month-old need to be nursed several times during the night or is this something she wants but does not need?
During the same discussion, another mother asked when a baby’s need for immediate attention turns into more of a want? She knew that newborns need you to feed and comfort them immediately after they start crying — but at what age can you let a baby wait a while?
This discussion brought up a topic that I have been wanting to write about for a long time. It is one of the things that is most confusing to parents — especially first-time parents. Opinion varies as to what constitutes a need versus a want.
But let’s start with the most concrete example: hunger.
Most experts say that by the time an infant has reached 13–15 pounds, they can safely sleep through the night without requiring a feeding. This is particularly true for formula-fed babies and babies who have started on some solid food in addition to breast or formula feeding.
The age at which most experts suggest that your baby can manage to sleep through the night without undue hunger is between four and eight months.
But what about the mother in our group who had a 19-month-old? She felt unsure as to whether her baby was actually hungry several times each night or whether her baby was crying in order to receive comfort from her through breastfeeding.
And this is exactly what all parents have to figure out. Does your baby or toddler or child wake up and then cry in the night because they are hungry? Because they are ill? In pain? Or because they want some comfort and companionship? And what should you do if it’s the latter?
Years ago we had a Mom in the group who used to ask the same question about her 7-year-old. She was worried that when he begged for her attention during the day that he really needed her and that saying no to him was wrong. She wanted to know whether he really needed her.
It is important for parents to dedicate some time to thinking about this question when they are having trouble sorting it out.
Talking to a spouse, a friend who has had several children, an older relative or a professional is often necessary.
Guilt is one of the most likely culprits when a parent finds him or herself torn over whether and when to give to a child.
So, here's a little help: after about four months an infant can wait a little while to be fed or picked up or changed. Not an hour — but certainly 10 minutes. If your baby is safe — in a crib or a bouncy chair on the floor — you can finish your coffee, you can take a call and, if you bring the bouncy chair into the bathroom with you, you can even take a five-minute shower.
And at this age you can also challenge your baby while they are doing tummy time or while they are lying on a quilt with toys to do it for a little longer than is comfortable for them — even if they fuss a bit, you can prolong the activity a little. This is the way we help them develop frustration tolerance. If we let them persist in doing something that is hard for just a little longer than they want, this will help them to grow in their ability to persevere.
As your baby becomes a toddler and then a child, you will want to continue to do this. That way they will be better able to manage their own boredom and hunger and unfulfilled desires as they grow up.
And even later, at 7 or 9 or 15 — if your child wants your attention — and you know they are not hurt or ill or in the midst of a serious upset, again, you can ask them to wait. In fact, you can tell them that they have to wait if you are in the middle of something — but then be sure to get back to them when you are free and can give some time to them.
When parents feel guilty — perhaps because they work long hours and are away from their baby or young child, this often leads them to feel like they should give in to their desires when they are with them. And when a parent feels guilty, this often leads the parent to feel confused — and sending confusing messages to the child — such as “I can’t play now…. OK, I’ll play now but just for five minutes” — you know the drill.
Giving in when your baby or child asks more of you than you feel you can give (like numerous nighttime feedings when they are over eight months old or asking to play while you are making dinner) can lead to a parent feeling resentful. And this resentment is bound to be communicated to your child in one way or another.
Another culprit that can lead to a parent feeling confused by what their child needs versus what they want is anxiety.
It turns out that the toddler who was still asking for nighttime feedings at 19 months had had some serious medical issues at birth which led to trouble with feeding. With this kind of history, no wonder her mother was unsure when to stop nighttime nursing! She had been worried for her child’s well-being for so long during her early week and months!
Try to sort out what your baby or child really needs from what it is that they want and then set some limits accordingly.
So, getting back to the 19-month-old. What should the parents do when she cries to be fed in the middle of the night? Well, that will be up to her parents. Perhaps they will decide that the situation is ok as it is for now and they will allow the nighttime feeding to continue for a little while longer given her early struggles with feeding. Or maybe they will decide on some gradual nighttime weaning. Her medical issues are in the past and it is likely that her need at night at 19 months old is not for nutrition — but is more of a want for some Mommy-time. We might conjecture that what she needs at this point is help learning how to sleep through the night with confidence and how to entertain herself or soothe herself back to sleep when she wakes up in the middle of the night.
And as for the 7-year-old? His mother really needed some help sorting out his wants from his needs.
This mom needed help learning how to say "no" and meaning it without feeling guilty.
This little boy needed help, too. He needed help to learn that his mother loved him but could not always do what he wanted.
Children and teens of all ages do have a need for nurturance and support — but not at every moment. This little boy's mom needed to learn how to say no and how to devote some time to being with him during the parts of her day when she could give him her undivided attention.
Figuring out what your child wants versus what your child needs can make a huge difference in knowing what to do as a parent!
Think about it!
