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Key points
- It's easy to have sex for the wrong reasons.
- Sex can distract you from other goals.
- You can improve sex by slowing down or taking time off.
A healthy sex life has many benefits that we hear a lot about, but abstinence (also called celibacy) can have its own benefits, too.
Not having sex isn't rare or abnormal: More than one in four Americans say they haven’t had sex in a year. That figure has been trending up since the 1990s, when it was closer to 18 percent.
One reason is that Americans are at a 30-year high for living without a spouse or partner. Some 40 percent of Americans do not live with a partner, up from 30 percent in 1990. Some of them may be dating and holding out for the “right person” or single and celibate because of obstacles like too little time or bad health. Their abstinence isn’t a choice.
However, sometimes people embrace asexuality or graysexuality as their identity rather than a problem. You might choose to put sex on the back burner or give it up. There are many reasons for this, and more than one may apply to you at the same time.
If you want control over impulses
If you think you’ve had sex in the past for the wrong reasons, abstinence can put you back in command, making considered choices. You may need to clear your head. Social worker Adina Mahalli notes that sex can dominate your mind. “Sex is an incredibly complicated and deep act that affects people’s emotional state, brain chemistry, and hormones,” she explains, adding, “Abstaining from sex can help people who are looking to make more logical judgments in their lives or to think more clearly.”
You may choose to date while taking sex off the table, so you can explore people you might not have considered before, or focus on one person and develop a true, resilient friendship.
This is especially important if you are less experienced or young. “Teens often initiate intercourse for the wrong reasons,” says Ramani Duvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of books including Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist, and “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. “We live in a hyper-sexualized society." Teens should be aware that four sexually transmitted viruses stay with them for life: hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV), HIV, and human papillomavirus (HPV), and abstinence is the best contraceptive they can use.
If you’re deciding whether a relationship is healthy, you may need to step outside a powerful attraction. If you tend to be a little compulsive about sex, an obsessive, hot relationship isn’t necessarily good for you. Abstinence can be helpful “for people who use sex as a way to mask feelings, just like they might use drugs or alcohol or food,” says Durvasula.
Another reason you might hold off on sex is if you’re too full of other emotions. You may be grieving a loss, perhaps a breakup or a death. Or, you may need to heal from a trauma or addiction.
Some people with sexual fears choose to avoid the risk of erectile dysfunction or painful intercourse. It’s up to you to decide when or whether to take action to address those issues. Letting time pass may help. Don’t judge yourself: Getting overwhelmed with anxiety isn’t helpful.
If you feel your sexual preference or gender identity isn’t clear, you may decide to give yourself a clean slate to figure things out.
Just be clear that you could affect an existing relationship. Is the situation temporary or are you tabling sex indefinitely? Is it important that your relationship partner also not have sex?
If you have other priorities
Abstinence can allow you to focus on yourself and pursue new positive paths. Some people become abstinent when developing their spirituality or creativity. They may be changing careers, moving, providing care, or managing long-term health issues for the better.
If you aren’t in a romantic relationship or looking for one, you have more “me time.” That can be empowering. And if and when you do decide to take a partner, you may be better prepared after your time off.
If you want to improve sex
It’s possible to improve your sexual response by taking a step back and focusing on masturbation or touching that stays within certain parameters. This can be especially important for women who don’t have orgasms through intercourse. Learn to set limits and enjoy kissing and massage without taking it forward.
Some couples go on automatic and have lackluster sex when one person doesn’t feel like it or without much intimacy or foreplay. Savor instead.
“Having sex whenever your desire rises above, say, a 3 out of 10, is like eating an entire meal whenever your hunger rises above a 3 out of 10. Not only do you get bloated, but you lose your capacity to savor the meal. It becomes harder and harder to really enjoy each bite as a sensual experience,” says Ken Blackman, a couples counselor. “Giving yourself some time to remember what it feels like to want sex, and really savoring that feeling of desire, will heighten your senses, make you more present, and boost your enjoyment of the entire experience, from flirting to touching,” he says. Your enjoyment can be more intense because you’ve held off. That may trigger more appetite for another round.
If you're not having sex (or not enjoying it) because of health or relationship problems, look for options. But there’s nothing wrong with taking a break, dialing back to activities other than intercourse, saying no to a particular partner or situation, or choosing to skip the whole thing. There are plenty of other ways to give and receive love, feel alive, and be happy.
A version of this post appears on "Your Care Everywhere."
