The Impossible Battle: Kids and Porn

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Last week, I had an interview scheduled with essayist Rebecca Morrison. We planned to discuss body image for an article she’s writing, so I did what I do: I searched the web for her previous work. The following title, published in Salon, popped onto my screen: “Why I Started Watching Porn When I Turned 50.”

Huh? The subtitle read, “I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research.” OK, I was intrigued. While pornography had zero to do with our discussion topic, I couldn’t resist.

Rebecca wrote that she’d wanted to “satisfy her curiosity” and be knowledgeable for her teens. By the end, she’d reported learning, for example: why porn's so popular, the difference between "soft" porn vs. other ratings, how adult entertainment widely influenced personal hygiene styles, and how to find female-friendly sites with ethically-sourced porn (e.g., respectful and consenting, legally made, and celebrating sexual diversity). That all got me thinking.

I realized that my primary education in erotica happened in college in the 90s. Back then, to attain videos such as Mummy Dearest or Chatterbox (yup, her vagina spoke), we’d have to work for it. We’d physically get in a car and drive to a local video store. Then, there’d be that “back room” with the black curtain. We’d scan the store to make sure no one was looking and then we’d almost jump behind the fabric. With a racy video finally in hand, there’d be one more step to get the porn back to the dorm. We’d head to the checkout counter where (probably to make us goodie-goodies squirm) we’d hear, for example, “Your Edward Penishands is due back on Monday.” (Did he have to say the title so loudly?)

Notice all the effort that went into attaining erotica? None of that’s needed nowadays. Online, kids may accidentally type the wrong address or a well-intended search term that results in porn images. Kids can also get random adult entertainment popups. Pornography is available anywhere there's the internet and a device, such as at home, school, a classmate’s tablet, or a playground.

For adults, pornography use tends to be personal and often secret, and may be associated with feelings of shame. It makes sense that parents and guardians might prefer to avoid the topic with their kids. Yet, by not addressing porn, you may be leaving your kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues—possibly even legal problems.

Think Your Kids Aren't Exposed to Adult Entertainment?

According to a study published in 2022, of the 385 undergraduates surveyed, “28.2 percent of males and 23.7 percent of females recalled their exposure [to porn] as occurring between 9 and 11 years" of age. A small number of participants were exposed even earlier.

Other recent research showed that:

• Slightly more than half of 11- to 13-year-olds, two-thirds of 14- to 15-year-olds, and nearly four-fifths of 16- to 17-year-olds admit to having seen pornography on the internet (typically social media, such as Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter; popups, direct searches, looking on friend's device, etc.).
• Of those aged 14 to 16, many of the boys reported daily porn consumption, and some girls reported around four times a week.

Though COVID and lockdowns could have blown up the ability to trust existing studies and data, so far, research indicates that porn use by minors has remained fairly steady.

Impacts of Teen Pornography Viewing

Various studies confirm that youngsters sometimes use pornography as a source of information and education about sex. A 2017 synthesis of articles, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, offered the following key messages:

• “Pornography use can shape sexual practices and is associated with unsafe sexual health practices such as not using condoms and unsafe anal and vaginal sex.”
• “Pornography may strengthen attitudes supportive of sexual violence and violence against women.”

While many parents hope and believe their kids won’t fall prey to influences based on violence or fantasy, that's not necessarily the case. For instance, a 2019 study suggested that exposure to violent porn may be one risk factor for teen dating violence (TDF). In the study, female adolescents who were exposed to violent porn were “over 1.5 times as likely to perpetrate physical and threatening TDV, whereas male adolescents who were exposed were over 3 times as likely to perpetrate sexual TDV.”

Pornography Essential Reads

Treatments for Problematic Pornography Use

Do Accessibility and Anonymity Lead to Problematic Porn Use?

It may also be important to consider the various styles of sex that kids may be exposed to through porn, especially those that it's especially important to be thoughtful, safe, and mindfully consenting about (e.g., BDSM).

How to Start a Discussion About Porn with Your Kids

Yes, the ongoing, built-in risk of kids witnessing adult sexualized stills and videos leaves a lot to discuss with innocent, young minds. When the time is appropriate, consider the following.

For younger kids:

1. Teach them to alert you if something pops onto their screen they either don’t understand or that feels adult-like.
2. Discuss how to say no and accept a no to sexual advances, viewing porn, or whatever they may not feel comfortable with or ready for. Youngsters don't automatically know how to do this.

For older kids and teens:

1. Clarify that pornography is not the standard for real-life sex. Pursuing or expecting a porn-like experience could produce an unintended aftermath.
2. Talk about what might be healthy and unhealthy about porn consumption (kinds/contents, frequency, duration, pros/cons, etc.).
3. If applicable to your location, warn that viewing pornography with underage participants is against the law, and a viewer may not realize an actor’s a child. (On a similar note, in the United States, for example, underage sexting can get kids into big, future-changing legal trouble. Same with even phone-filming underage nudity, transmitting it, receiving it, sharing it, etc.)

How to Prepare Yourself for the Porn-Talk

• Educate yourself.
• If you feel uncomfortable, work out that discomfort. If kids sense your shame or embarrassment, they may not share or be open with you.
• If you need to, practice talking about it before “the talk.” Get support. Call a good friend. Reach out to a parent you respect. If you have a therapist, bring the subject to them. If you don't have a therapist, maybe find one to work through this. Reminder: Many mental health professionals probably won’t have received much official training on pornography stats and use. Yet any good therapist should be able to help you to reduce your stress about discussing the topic, define what your goals are for the talk, increase your confidence about it, etc.

Please do what you need to ensure you can have the healthiest and most honest, helpful, protective, and shame-free conversation possible with your kid(s).

This blog is for informational purposes and does not provide therapy or professional advice.