Dread Mother's Day? Make It Better for You (and Mom)

Source: Denise Robertson, photo and image used with permission

Waiting tables was my steady gig throughout my teens and young adulthood, and I dreaded every Mother’s Day. I prided myself on making sure my tables had a positive experience. However, that was too often not possible on Mother’s Day.

I recall the patterns. Families either got along great or acted cranky, tense, dismissive, demanding, and hurried. I witnessed many meals filled with forced smiles and stilted laughter or silence between bites. Repeatedly, I thought, “How could the mom have wanted that experience?” No way.

There’s a lot of pressure to make Mom happy via gifts, brunches, etc., and often people over-extend themselves due to the power of “should.” You should get together with your family. You should take her to brunch, dinner, whatever. You should act happy.

Let’s be real, though. You can promise yourself that you will set aside your current stresses and hurts to oblige your Mother’s Day shoulds. Still, it may not be possible for you to interact without becoming a ball of tension. Reasons include but are not limited to:

• Complicated family relationships or feuds
• Historic family roles that remain unchanging
• Challenges of maneuvering your own family in our incredibly populated urban areas
• Time constraints of packing in another scheduled weekend task
• Personal issues

You try your best. But typically, you end up altering yourself and feeling relieved when it’s over.

If any of the above describes you, then consider trying the following this year:

1. Locate your authenticity amid the commercialized mess of Mother’s Day. (The National Retail Federation predicts almost 32 billion dollars are expected to be spent in the U.S. this year.)
2. Change up how you celebrate Mom.

Authenticity

Authenticity lacks a widely agreed-upon definition in research (Dammann et al., 2021). So for this article, let’s frame it like this: “the consistency between an entity’s internal states and its external expressions” (Newman, 2019). In other words, our actions express and represent our values and intentions.

That said, I ask you:

1. How do you usually honor Mother’s Day?
2. Can you be authentic during it?

If yes, then fantastic! Stop reading here. If not, please continue to the next paragraph.

According to research, functioning in an inauthentic way tends to feel "immoral and impure” (Gino, Kouchaki, & Galinsky, 2015), even if you are doing it for good reasons. Further, no matter how good of an actor you are, people often sense when you're not being genuine.

Being around family can put anyone on pins and needles, and authenticity can get locked tightly in a box. For example, when around family, do you:

• Change yourself because you fear judgment from your siblings, your paternal figure, or your mom herself?
• Have a historical role or label you both fall into (or get pushed into, i.e., the comic relief or the scapegoat)?
• Psyche yourself up with, “It’s just one day. I can do this”?

Then you might be at risk for an experience that doesn’t match your intentions of celebrating or thanking Mom.

Authenticity is essential for overall well-being (Gino, Kouchaki, Galinsky, 2015). And after over two years of a worldwide pandemic on top of regular life, we’ve learned that unexpected and expected factors can deplete our states of well-being. (My previous blog points out that the World Health Organization declared that anxiety and depression are up 25 percent globally.) Especially right now, and unless you feel you absolutely have to, why add something negative, taxing, disingenuous, or stressful?

Change it up

How can you thank Mom for the years of support authentically? See if any of these ideas might match your values and realness.

1. Ask Mom what she’d like for Mother’s Day; offer options for her to choose from. As implied in “All I Want for Mother’s Day is an Equitable Division of Labor,” Mom might value help. For example, if Mom’s been saddled with shopping and meal prep for years, how would you feel about giving her a break (e.g., deliver a few meals, do the shopping). If that doesn't appeal, but you'd like to do something for her, what other acts might mean the world to her and you (e.g., pick up the kids, run a week of errands, or fix something broken)? Look for something that might genuinely connect to you both.
2. Figure out something special that you want to do to honor Mom and do it. For example, maybe you draw; try creating a card. Perhaps you don't. Then, what about a homemade card reminiscent of childhood? Make it fun and thoughtful for you both.
3. Schedule a Zoom or phone date with a specific start and end time. During the connection, ask questions that honor your genuine interest and curiosity (e.g., what's something you've been proud of? What's something you regret? During your lifetime, what invention has been most impactful? If there is one lesson you’d want to make sure you taught me, what is it?).
4. Give Mom some dedicated, in-person time. Even if you need to limit your visit to 20 or 30 minutes, try putting down the phone and other devices and turning off the TV. Sharing time together in an undistracted way may mean something special to you both.
5. Celebrate your mom on a day other than the incredibly crowded, commercialized Mother’s Day (with or without the rest of your family, siblings, etc.). Cook or take Mom out the week before or another time of the year. You both/all might have a better experience not being slammed into a packed schedule at a restaurant anyway.

Authenticity Essential Reads

Finding Your Life’s Fulfillment in Love and Work

Dark Authenticity, Narcissism, Psychopathy, Machiavellianism

What are your ideas?

Wrapping up this commercialized holiday

Keep in mind that in the early 1900s, Anna M. Jarvis pushed to establish a way to honor her mother’s lifelong activism. Her early version of "Mother's Day" caught on locally and then spread wider. In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson signed the bill officially designating Mother's Day as a national U.S. holiday. But then Mother’s Day went too commercialized and strayed from her original intention. Thus, Ms. Jarvis spent her final years trying to cancel the holiday she helped establish. If she can pivot like that, you may have permission to revise how you honor it.

Finally, no Mother’s Day piece can be complete without acknowledging the following. Many people experience painful Mother’s Days. For example:

• People whose moms abandoned them
• Those whose moms passed away
• Kids who chose to be estranged from their mothers
• Also, people who want to be moms but cannot

The commercials leave you out, but you matter. This day can seem like it "rubs in" your situation. Please take good, kind care of yourself.

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not provide therapy.