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Key points
- “We need to talk” can accelerate a critical discussion, but it can be ineffective for getting relational needs met in healthy, lasting ways.
- What is underneath "we need to talk" is often vulnerable and hard to say (e.g., "I'm scared and want assurance" or "I worry we're drifting").
- Saying more than the cryptic “we need to talk” can set you up to better get your needs met.
If your end goal is feeling understood or growing closer together, you might want to avoid the phrase “we need to talk."
As a therapist and 50+-year-old, I’ve heard countless "we need to talk" stories. And unfortunately, I've seen too many of these well-intended moments go wrong. People wanted connection and to work through something but were met with defensiveness or even ghosted.
The phrase generally gets attention—just not effective or accurate attention.
For the recipient, it tends to:
- evoke dread or a sense of doom
- pressure the schedule
- conjure up mild to intense feelings of fear and paranoia
- unleash an onslaught of discomfort while waiting for “the talk” to occur
Though “we need to talk” usually comes from a genuine place of care, it can seem like a demanding, manipulative, or dramatic tactic. Here’s a breakdown of why: It basically insists that the recipient meets your needs swiftly and with urgency. In addition, it typically signals to the recipient they are "in trouble." Without any hints of the talk’s topic, those four words can send the recipient into a tailspin, searching for what they did wrong or what disaster could be occurring.
What’s “we need to talk” really saying?
When you think about the needs underneath the phrase, doesn’t “we need to talk” usually mean something soft and vulnerable? For instance, I’ve seen it represent the following seven examples.
- “Hey, something’s going on, and I don’t quite know how to bring it up."
- “This is a big deal for me to share, and I’m really nervous to say it."
- “I’ve got some [insert: scary, serious, or bad] news, and I'd like us to have some time to process this together.”
- “I’m concerned about something, and it feels real to me and possibly serious. I’d like to see what’s going on for you so I can understand it better.”
- “I’m hoping for some clarity here. Can we set aside some time to connect without interruptions?”
- “I’m really concerned about X in our relationship, and I don’t know how to get your attention in any other way.”
- "'We need to talk' is all I can spit out before I meltdown. So I hope you say yes because I'm worried you won't care that I'm hurting."
There are so many more translations of “we need to talk.” And most of them look caring if and when you know the underbelly of what otherwise can sound harsh.
Instead of—or in addition to—“We need to talk,” here’s what can offer more effective communication.
Many use the blanket four words “we need to talk” alone, without more said. However, that’s missing vital elements that could set you up for a better, more desirable experience and outcome. For example, try including some (or all) of the following:
- General topic. What’s the talk about? Seriously, who likes to be called into a serious meeting without knowing what it's concerning?
- Address the urgency. Why is the connection vital right now and needing to reserve the person outside of regular communications?
- Care. Remind your person of your care for them. (E.g., “I care about you, and I’m curious about a possible misunderstanding. Can we talk about it tonight?”) Without that reassurance, it can feel tough to walk into a meeting with openness vs. defensiveness.
- A request. This may be one of the hardest because it allows your person to say no. However, "I'd like to speak about X with you. Would you be willing?" is more likely to elicit your person's curiosity, care, and interest than stating, "We need." Let's face it, much of the time, the other half of the "we" has little to no idea there's a serious issue or the "need" to urgently speak about it.
If it feels overwhelming to express with more accuracy, here's a straightforward example: "I appreciate you, and I'd like to speak about X when we can find the time. Is that OK with you?" Please feel free to tweak it to be yours if any of it appeals to you.
Here’s probably the most helpful and easiest guide for transforming "we need to talk" into something more effective.
To get your needs (and intentions) better met, go back in your own memory; revisit a “we need to talk” moment that you received. How did the phrase affect you? Did it bring you closer to that person or distance you as you waited for "the talk" (or even during it)? What did you need to hear to have more openness and less defensiveness or fear? Then think about your current “we need to talk” situation. Consider what you might express to help the person feel safe enough to show up as fully for you as they can.
Yep, it's hard to say more than you may want to.
Especially in times of heightened emotions or fear, sharing more than the bare minimum can feel uncomfortable. I understand that. Heck, I’ve been there myself. Nevertheless, there are two people involved in any important discussion, not just the one who has the immediate need (or want). And if something’s important enough to set aside time to focus on it, your desire is likely not to distance the other person from you. Instead, you probably want to affect them and bring them closer to you by the end of “the talk.”
In short, try matching your conversation objectives to how you ask for the conversation. For example, suppose your end goal is connection, clarification, or understanding. In that case, you will likely benefit by doing something scary and vulnerable—like saying more than the cryptic, doomsday “we need to talk.”
This blog does not provide therapy or a substitute for professional advice catered to your needs and best interest.
