Being on Your Own for the Holidays: Time to Reflect

There are lots of reasons you may be on your own over the upcoming holiday season. The 2020 Census shows there are about 36 million solo dwellers, which together make up about 28 percent of U.S. households.¹ The percentage of people who are living alone has been climbing for decades.² So, you are not alone.

Whether by choice or circumstance, more and more people are living alone and looking for help on how to do this successfully and happily. A good example of the kind of help you can get on living alone is The Living Well Alone Project organized in 2017 by a mother and daughter, both of whom are on solo living journeys.³ Their goal is to fill the gap in information ("How do I do this?") and provide advice for people living by themselves. They also want to promote a positive and realistic perception of people who live alone.

Joe Pinsker is an American journalist who launched "The Family" section for The Atlantic magazine to address this issue. In his article, “The Hidden Costs of Living Alone,”⁴ he notes that our society assumes that the default adult has a partner and that the default household contains multiple people.

Going solo in a partnered society affects virtually every aspect of your life. Here are a few examples:

• You are penalized at work—it’s assumed you can stay to take on extra projects, raises may go to partnered workers because they supposedly have more expenses for childcare, etc.
• Solo consumers miss out on larger quantities of groceries that are cheaper and they may not have the storage space for larger sizes of paper products in their residences.
• Health care protocols are built on the assumption that a patient lives with someone who can assist with their health care needs.

While still living in a society tilted against those going solo, Bella DePaulo, author of How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century, tells us that those who live alone are not lonely and miserable.⁵ Some of the pleasures of living alone DePaulo notes are privacy, freedom to arrange your life and your space the way you want—when to sleep, get up, and eat; what you watch on Netflix; and how you set the thermostat.

Living alone can be freeing. It can be good to learn to be happy alone—to be self-sufficient. You can learn to enjoy your own company and be your best friend.

The holiday season may be a time that heightens your self-awareness of the upsides and downsides of solo living. If you Google “What to do when you're alone for the holidays?” you will get scads of listicles of things to do. However, given Pinsker’s reminder that in our society the default adult is a partnered adult, self-reflection on going solo, whether by choice or not, is in order.

Taking time periodically to reflect on the choices we make and the events that occur to us is a good idea. When we look at ourselves clearly, we are more confident and more creative. We make sounder decisions, communicate better, and build stronger relationships.

Think of self-reflection as a way of knowing yourself better. You sort through what you are experiencing, what is happening, and what has happened so you can make good choices for yourself. A good way to do this is to take a personal inventory. Personal inventories are often used to assess one’s personal strengths and weaknesses, to assess one’s skills, and/or to assess one’s personality characteristics. For example, I introduced the “taking things personally” inventory.

The “living solo” inventory is a way of taking a look at your living situation and how it is working for you. Here are some suggested items for your inventory based on your individual circumstance.

Creating Your Own Personal Inventory if…

You are on your own by choice.

• Review the reasons for your choice. Why did you choose to live alone?
• Has living alone been what you expected? What was unexpected?
• Would you make the same choice? If not, why not?
• Are there changes you would like to make to be more satisfied living solo?
• Is it time to make changes that might lead to not being on your own? Do you need help in making such changes? Do you know where to get help to make the desired changes?

Being on your own is not what you chose (e.g., unwanted divorce, death of a partner).

• This may be the time to note the losses (e.g., being without a partner, leaving your home) you have experienced and perhaps share it with another close person.
• Are there old hurts or difficulties that still hang on? It is good to share these old hurts with someone.
• You will be adjusting to a completely different way of living. What are the things that are most different for you?
• Reflect on whether there are old habits that need to be updated (e.g., Have you made new friends that fit your current situation?) Is it time to seek help with these issues?

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You are newly on your own.

• It is important to reflect on the sense of loss you feel…be sure to talk with caring others.
• You will become aware of what it means to live in a completely different way.
• You may experience a heightened sense of loneliness, particularly around the holidays—be open about this.
• Be aware that doing things on your own may seem uncomfortable for a while. What are the things about living solo that are the most uncomfortable for you?