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Respected sex researcher John Money, Ph.D., created both the term "lovemap" and the theory behind it. He discovered that patterns of arousal are formed in childhood when the brain develops a lovemap through interactions with parents, other adults, and peers. Early experiences you may not even remember can be placed on the map. As an adult, the kinds of sexual activity you prefer and the partners you choose, as well as your paths to arousal, are all influenced by this lovemap in the brain.
Lovemaps Are Sometimes a Neglected Part of Our Sexual Awareness
Everyone has a lovemap. According to Money, some people have “vandalized” lovemaps, often as the result of childhood abuse of one form or another. Their arousal patterns cause them to become, for example, foot fetishists who are aroused only by feet or shoes, sadomasochists who need to give or receive pain to become aroused, or perhaps people who are unable to find pleasure in sexual activity. In extreme cases, those with vandalized lovemaps act out in violent ways.
Most of us, however, have lovemaps that predispose us to find, for example, redheaded women or tall, blonde men attractive. It is helpful to understand not only your own but also your partner’s predisposition for certain lovers or particular ways of making love. With knowledge, you can find ways of increasing arousal.
Attraction and Sexual Preference Are Learned
Cynthia sometimes thinks that Allen married her for her long, shapely legs. A self-confessed “leg man,” he can rarely resist the temptation to look at another pair of beautiful legs when they are out together. He favors lovemaking positions that emphasize her legs. All this attention paid to her legs makes her uncomfortable.
“Allen likes to do it missionary style because he likes to feel my legs wrapped around his body,” she says. “But I prefer a different position. When I’m not, I feel stifled.”
“No matter what position she’s in, she’s passive,” Allen complains. “Yes, I like to feel her legs around my waist or neck, to pull back and see them as I’m making love to her. If she really lost herself in passion in some other position, I wouldn’t object.”
When asked, Allen traces his love of legs to early childhood memories of his long-legged young mother and her friends, women who were often dressed in shorts or bathing suits because the family lived in Southern California. Perhaps he’s right about the origins of his love of legs.
Cynthia’s earliest sex memory may also help explain her sexual "passivity."
“I was nine or ten and staying with my parents at my grandmother’s house,” she says. “It was summertime. My mother’s mother had made up a bed for me on the sun porch. I could hear my parents having sex so I tiptoed to the window and peeked inside.
“There was just enough moonlight shining in the windows for me to see them. He was on top of her with the sheet pulled up to his shoulders. She wasn’t making any noise. I was afraid I would get caught, so I tiptoed back to my own bed. In a very short time, the noise stopped. She never did make a sound.”
Developing a Deeper Understanding of Your Sexuality
Maybe Cynthia’s mother was inhibited by making love in her own mother’s house, or maybe she was sexually inhibited most of the time. Whatever the reason, it left a mark on Cynthia’s lovemap. Did this one experience determine her sexual responses for life? Of course not. The lovemap is more complicated than that. When Cynthia sees how the incident may have impacted her present behavior in bed, she’s able to dilute its influence on her if she wants to. Any couple can probably improve their sex life by learning about their lovemaps.
3 Steps for Creating a New and Positive Lovemap
1. Each partner should make a private assessment of their personal lovemap. Use the following questions as a guide, but don’t be limited by them:
- Describe the first sex scene you witnessed in person. Does that incident still have an influence on your arousal and responses?
- What do you know or surmise about your parents’ sexuality?
- What forms of childhood and adolescent sex play did you have with others?
- Describe your childhood sweethearts. Have you formed adult relationships with people who have similar characteristics?
- What can you remember about your early masturbation experiences?
- How and when did you lose your virginity?
- When did you have your first orgasm? Describe the experience.
2. Share your assessments. Can you see how both lovemaps might have been created? Now that you have more understanding of how preferences develop, can you find ways of helping each other build on the old maps and make richer new ones?
3. Each partner can let the other know in specific terms how they would like lovemaking to change. Complete the following sentences to get started:
- To arouse me, I would like you to...
- To bring me to the point of orgasm, I would like you to...
- When I am having an orgasm, I would like you to...
A deeper understanding of your lovemap can be a pathway to heightened sexual pleasure.
References
Lehne, Gregory K. (2009). "Phenomenology of Paraphilia: Lovemap Theory". In Saleh, F. M. (ed.). Sex Offenders: Identification, Risk Assessment, Treatment, and Legal Issues. Oxford University Press. pp. 12–24. Money, John (1986). Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity. New York: Prometheus Books. ISBN 0-8290-1589-2.
