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Researchers believe that sexual fantasy is a nearly universal experience among women as well as men. Sometimes, fantasy is a conscious process, but, often it is not. A sexual fantasy may be, for example, the fleeting thought a man has when he sees an attractive woman and wonders what her breasts look like beneath her blouse or the long romantic scenario of seduction and lovemaking that a woman uses during masturbation, or anything in between those points. Like scenes from favorite movies, some fantasies are enjoyed again and again.
Times Have Changed
Recent studies indicate men and women now have fantasies that are more alike than they were 15 or 20 years ago. Several years ago, sex journalist Nancy Friday reported on this phenomenon in her book, Women on Top: Women’s Fantasies, noting that women's fantasies have become more graphic and overtly sexual and aggressive.
A fantasy is not necessarily a sexual wish. In fact, few people want to act out their fantasies. For example, imagining being forced to have sex is not the same thing as wanting to be raped. Typically, the forced-sex fantasy signifies the desire to enjoy sex without feeling guilty. Some fantasies may be bizarre, even violent. The occasional violent fantasy is generally not cause for concern. Often-recurring fantasies may be rooted in early childhood arousal experiences, though you may not be able to recall any incident that seems related. For example, a man who fantasizes lovemaking with much older women may have experienced his first feelings of sexual arousal as a small child being bathed by an older female caretaker.
Watching the Sexy Movie in Your Head
"I am naked on a tropical island, alone with my husband’s best friend,” says Annie. “I can see him in my mind kissing me, stroking my body. He can almost make me come by kissing me. But he takes his mouth away from mine and moves it down my body. The fantasy is so real I can feel the warm sand on my back and hear the waves of the sea.”
Annie’s fantasy ends in a prolonged series of tumultuous orgasms. She and her lover are euphoric and sated. But when the good feelings subside, they are replaced by guilt. “I feel as if I’m cheating on my husband with his best friend,” she says. “Sometimes, I have this fantasy when I’m at work. I go home and make passionate love to my husband, but is it him or another man inspiring me? Does it mean I don’t love him? And worse, I have occasionally had fleeting thoughts of this other man during lovemaking. I would never really cheat on my marriage. Or, I don’t think I would. The fantasies scare me.”
Thought Police Are Unnecessary
Many people feel guilty about having sexual thoughts or fantasies. These feelings may have been fostered by religious teachings or parental messages about sex being dirty, or other negative cultural messages. Some people feel guilty because they fantasize about doing things that they consider wrong or immoral, such as committing adultery or engaging in a sadomasochistic encounter. In Annie’s case, the guilt stems from her belief that she is somehow cheating on her husband in her head when she has erotic thoughts about his friend. But that is not true at all. Rather than feeling guilty about fantasies or worrying about what they mean, enjoy them, unless—and this is not likely—they are more than brief escapes from reality and do truly prohibit intimacy within a relationship.
The Downside
Sexual fantasies serve many useful purposes. They enhance masturbation, create a mood conducive to lovemaking, sometimes facilitate orgasm by blocking out intrusive worries or concerns, and allow us to explore taboo activities that arouse without actually participating in them—from affairs to sadomasochism (S/M). Indulging in fantasy is a way of widening your sexual experience without taking any risks. Fantasizing during intercourse is not unusual or necessarily indicative of a problem in the relationship.
Not all fantasies, however, are benign. Recurrent violent fantasies can be indicative of deep-rooted emotional problems. People who cannot become aroused or reach orgasm without utilizing the same fantasy every time may also have some intimacy issues or other problems. If a fantasy really troubles you, talk it over with a professional.
The Top 10 Sexual Fantasies
- Making love with someone other than one’s regular partner. (This is the most common fantasy for men and women.)
- The forbidden partner—someone from another race or class, a relative, a friend’s spouse.
- Multiple partners, typically sex with one’s partner and another person. (For men, the two-women fantasy is a favorite.)
- The romantic fantasy—sex in idyllic surroundings such as on a Caribbean beach. (More common for women than for men.)
- The spontaneous encounter—such as the zipless f--k popularized by author Erica Jong in Fear of Flying, in which strangers meet on a train, for example, and fall upon each other in the nearest sleeping compartment, their clothes simply melting away.
- Forced sex—sometimes called “the rape fantasy," this is actually common for men and women.
- Taboo sex acts, such as having sex in a public pool or spanking one’s partner.
- Exhibitionist (or voyeuristic) fantasies, in which one is having sex while being watched or watching someone else have sex. (A common version of this fantasy for men is watching a spouse make love to someone else.)
- A homosexual encounter.
- Sex with a celebrity.
Taking It Further?
“I have a very active fantasy life,” says Rob. “In a favorite scenario, I imagine my wife with another woman, then the two of them with me, making love in every way possible. I’d like to tell my wife about these fantasies. What do you think? Would hearing about them excite her or even make her want to try a threesome?”
The answer to Rob's question depends on how comfortable she would be with the idea of her husband making love to two women in his erotic dreams—and how likely she would be to want to make it a reality. Maybe she will find his thoughts exciting, and maybe she will be offended or made jealous by them—or even find them disgusting. Sometimes, sharing fantasies and acting them out can add excitement to a relationship. But consider your partner’s feelings carefully before you share. Many people prefer to keep their fantasies private, too. Sharing them, and especially acting them out, can rob them of their power to arouse. If you want to try acting out a fantasy:
- Write six scenarios each. Be as wildly imaginative as you like, but limit the actors to the two of you.
- Together, pick from the lists something that both of you find exciting. Don’t pressure your partner to try something he or she finds distasteful, embarrassing, or uncomfortable.
- Adapt the scenario for the real world and give it a try.
Some form of fantasy is almost essential to heighten the pleasures of love-making. When couples don’t enjoy each other anymore, one of the areas they should examine is their fantasy lives. What changes have taken place in their fantasies—both private and shared—as their relationship has become less satisfying? The answer to that question may tell them a lot.
