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The term “male menopause” has been increasingly used in this country to describe a pattern of behavior also sometimes referred to as the “male midlife crisis,” when a middle-aged man experiences erectile difficulties and responds to them by behaving in age-denying ways. In the stereotypical case, he leaves his middle-aged wife for a much younger woman and starts a second family. Not all men do this, of course, even if they were so inclined; and sometimes today the middle-aged wife is the one who seeks divorce and finds a younger partner.
Thinking Hopefully About Failure
A man may be at the height of his earning power when he has his first episode of penile failure. The dissonance between his achievements in the world and in the bedroom can be disturbing. Or, he may be coming to the realization he’s never going to reach his life goals or be facing employment problems due to corporate downsizing or similar factors. In that case, a bout of temporary erectile failure can loom very large in his mind. Whatever his professional situation, he may be coming to terms with a changed appearance and a sense of declining physical attractiveness. All this and a faltering penis too? For some men, the combination is deadly to the libido.
Interestingly, men are less likely to talk about their “menopause” or crisis than the women in their lives. Women may complain about their partner’s depression, moodiness, lethargy, loss of libido. As is the case with midlife women, men in good relationships with understanding partners fare better than others at midlife.
For Example...
“My husband, Dan, went into a tailspin when he failed to get the promotion he was expecting,” said Elizabeth. “He got the bad news a few weeks after his fiftieth birthday. Worse, the job went to a man 10 years his junior. He was devastated. And he viewed this as his last chance to make it to the top.”
Dan had been experiencing some erectile difficulties before losing the promotion. He had admitted to Elizabeth that his inability to get the rock-hard erections of his youth troubled him. More than once he had told her, “I wish I could be the man I was for you again.” Her reassurances seemed to mollify him until his crushing professional defeat.
“He became impotent the day another man got his job,” she said. “For six months, we did not have sex. At first, I was understanding and solicitous. Then I blamed myself for not being attractive enough and I tried hard to seduce him. When my efforts failed, I was hurt and angry. We fought. I accused him of having an affair and he retaliated by saying I was looking for an excuse to have one of my own. It was ugly.”
Dan and Elizabeth went to see a sex therapist because she threatened to leave him if they didn’t. In therapy he confronted his issues about aging and lack of achievement. The therapist also sent him to a physician who put him on testosterone-replacement therapy since a blood test revealed he needed supplementation. Within two months, Dan and Elizabeth were making love again. Both feel their marriage is much stronger now.
If you are middle-aged and feeling uncertain about your virility, there are steps you can take to ease this passage of life, whatever you choose to call it.
9 Steps to Alleviating the Male Midlife Crisis
- Don’t blame your partner. If there are issues in your relationship, deal with them. A new partner will bolster your ego. The sex will seem better because new love is invigorating. But the cycle of erectile difficulty and self-doubt will eventually begin again.
- Accept that some change in sexual performance and responsiveness is inevitable. Not all change is bad. On the plus side, older men can make love longer. And it’s hoped that they know better how to please their partners.
- Adopt a healthier lifestyle. It is critically important (to women as well as men) to get the proper nutrition and exercise in order to maintain sexual function as we age. Indeed, a lot of men’s problems are caused by sedentary lifestyles, alcohol, fatty foods, and smoking.
- Improve your self-esteem. When you’re feeling good about yourself, you find it easier to give and receive sexual pleasure. Do what it takes to feel better about yourself, for example, through a continuing education program, body building, volunteer work, or therapy.
- Strengthen your intimate ties. Deepen the relationship with your partner, with children, parents, and friends.
- Become more sensual. Touch more and take the time to appreciate touch.
- Be more romantic. Holding hands, taking walks together, writing love notes—these and many other things make you feel younger because you did them when you were young. Why did you stop?
- Please your partner. You can make love without an erection. In fact, you can give your partner fantastic orgasms without an erection. Doing so will make you feel potent again.
- Get help if you need it. (Do that by making sure the help you find is legitimately credentialed and experienced.)
