The Spin on Social Media May Be Hurting Your Love Life

Source: Pexels/Piacquadio

The social network is a vast relationship minefield where people try to impress others and troll for feedback. It’s a virtual world, but it has a real impact on actual events, including relationships. This is partially because of the phoniness and distance online, making it easy to lie.

One survey found about 25 percent of women post things on Facebook that are exaggerated or completely untrue. These usually involve trying to make their lives sound more interesting, like saying they are “Chillin with some friends at a restaurant” when they are home watching reality TV, or, “Just had an intense meeting with the VP” when they were actually snoozing at their cubicle. Some lies were about alcohol use, holidays, or relationship status.

Being online tempts people to share exaggerated details about their life, emphasizing cool details: “Totally surprised to get an award at work!” (known as a humblebrag). Posters are less likely to share unflattering things, like: “Just ate four Krispy Kremes.”

Researchers looking at online deception concluded that the pressure to present a front is strong but ultimately leaves people feeling more disconnected and alone. It isn’t particularly fulfilling to get “likes” for fake behavior. Smart technology can also tattle on users, and it doesn’t impress friends if your post says you are at a hip concert, but your location says you are in your apartment.

It is worse on online dating profiles, whereas many as 81 percent of people misrepresent themselves. It’s not that people hate long walks on the beach, but many pretend they are thinner or richer than they actually are. Women in their twenties claim to be about five pounds lighter; in their thirties about seventeen pounds lighter; and in their forties about nineteen pounds lighter. Men exaggerate their income and education and Photoshop out bald spots. Some fudge their relationship status, and others claim to love kids when they really think they are sticky and annoying. This type of deception is so common that many experts suggest it is acceptable or even expected. Putting one’s best face forward, it seems, often involves digital enhancements.

There is a motivating reason for this deception. It often works. A flattering picture will get more interest than a lousy one (so it may be a good idea to stop by the glamour shots booth at the mall), and women without pictures will get only half the responses of those with photos. Men who say they earn over $250,000 a year will attract 156 percent more interest than those who say they earn less than $50,000. Interestingly, only 20 percent of people admit they lie on their dating profile, but when the same 20 percent were asked how often others lie, they assumed that about 90 percent do. So, those who were honest about their lying were most accurate about everyone else.

While questionably effective, online deception can be dangerous. One client of mine found that two of the guys recommended to her on her dating site had the same profile. “It was pretty impressive,” she said. “Engineer lost his wife to cancer, loved snuggling….” We couldn’t figure out if one ripped off the other or if they both bought a bogus profile from the same source.

Another guy eagerly chatting with an attractive woman nicknamed “Luscious Lipz” found out that she was actually a 13-year-old kid named Josh. This kind of online trolling is called catfishing, after a documentary movie from 2010 (and subsequent MTV show), where online relationships are based on phony real-life people. This often involves completely fake identities and deception, as in the case of Manti Teo, a Heisman candidate football player for Notre Dame in 2012, who was in an online relationship with a woman who apparently died, and later was found to be a man leading him on. He was catfished.

It may be tempting to lie in the online Meet Market, but it isn’t the best path to an honest relationship. Choosing to be honest and cautious about what you read from others is better to find an authentic connection.