7 Ways to Manage Crisis Calls From a Struggling Adult Child

Lena’s phone buzzed incessantly, each alert a dagger of dread in her chest. Her daughter, Cassie, was struggling again, the texts and calls coming in a relentless stream of crisis. “Mom, I can’t do this,” one message read. “I lost my job today,” another followed. Further texts were "I suck at life" and "Ugh, if I did not have Susie (Cassie's dog), I would kill myself." Lena’s heart ached with every word, the weight of Cassie’s struggles pressing down on her spirit.

Lena recalled Cassie's bright eyes and boundless energy as a child, now dimmed by the harsh realities of adulthood. Exhausted, Lena juggled her responsibilities while trying to support Cassie from afar, offering comfort through the small screen, feeling helpless yet determined to be her daughter's anchor in the storm.

Avoid Getting Sucked Into Emotionally Charged Quicksand

When I coach parents of struggling adult children, at times I gently ask, "Do you want to be a parent or a SWAT team leader?" Crisis text messages and phone calls from struggling adult children can lead parents to feel like they are heading up a fast-action crisis response team.

Managing crisis phone calls from your adult child can be an emotionally charged and complex experience. As a parent, your instinct is to provide support and solutions, but the dynamics of an adult-to-adult conversation require a careful balance between empathy, guidance, and respect for your child's autonomy. Here are several key strategies to effectively manage these calls and offer the best support possible.

Active Listening

When your adult child calls in crisis, the first and most crucial step is to practice active listening. This means fully concentrating, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what they are saying. Avoid interrupting or offering immediate solutions. Instead, allow your child to express their feelings and thoughts completely.

In my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I discuss how it is very important to use affirming gestures and verbal nods like "I see," "I understand," and "Tell me more about that." This is especially the case for teens and adult children, as it not only validates their feelings but also provides them with a sense of being heard and understood. This, in turn, lowers the frequency of fruitless power struggles.

Emotional Regulation

It is essential to manage your own emotions during these calls. Doing so puts you in the role of emotion regulation coach. The more you see yourself as your adult child's coach, the less you will take their hurtful comments—if they go there—personally.

Hearing that your child is in crisis can trigger a strong emotional response, but it's important to stay calm and composed. Your calm demeanor can provide a stabilizing effect on your child, helping them feel more secure. If necessary, take a few deep breaths before responding or suggest a brief pause in the conversation to gather your thoughts.

Empathy and Validation

Express empathy and validate your child’s feelings. Phrases like “That sounds incredibly tough,” or “I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you,” can provide comfort and support. Acknowledging their feelings without judgment shows that you respect their emotional experience and are there to support them unconditionally.

Asking Open-Ended Questions

Encourage your child to explore their situation by asking open-ended questions. Questions like “What do you think led to this situation?” or “How do you feel about the options you have?” can help them gain clarity and insight. This approach not only aids in their problem-solving process but also reinforces their ability to think critically and independently.

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Providing Support and Resources

While it’s important not to take over, offering practical support and resources can be beneficial. This might include suggesting they talk to a therapist, providing contact information for support groups, or helping them brainstorm actionable steps they can take. If they need immediate assistance, help them identify local crisis services or hotlines that can provide urgent help.

Encouraging Self-Efficacy

As parents, we tend to overfocus on our children's struggles. This can unwittingly lead to overlooking the daily or weekly victories when adult children manage their emotions and problem-solve in more helpful ways.

Encourage your child to take ownership of their situation and decisions. Phrases like “What do you think is the best course of action?” or “How can I support you in the steps you want to take?” empower them to take control. This promotes their confidence and self-efficacy, which are crucial for managing crises independently.

Setting Boundaries

While it is important to be supportive, it is also crucial to set boundaries to protect your well-being. Be clear about what you can and cannot do, and communicate this gently but firmly. For instance, you might say, “Please know that I believe in you. I'm happy to listen while you vent, or I can help you find a therapist, but I can't solve this for you.” This helps prevent burnout and ensures that your support is sustainable.

Follow-Up

After the initial crisis has passed, follow up with your child to check on their progress and well-being. This reinforces your support and shows that you care about their ongoing situation. However, be mindful not to overstep or become overly involved in their affairs, as maintaining their independence is vital.

Seeking Support for Yourself

Managing crisis calls can be draining, and it’s important to seek support for yourself as well. Talking to a therapist, joining a support group for parents, or confiding in a trusted friend can provide you with the emotional strength and resilience needed to support your child effectively.

Continuous Learning

Finally, continue to educate yourself about crisis management and effective communication. Books, workshops, parenting seminars, and online resources can provide valuable insights and techniques to improve your ability to handle such situations.

Final Thoughts

Managing crisis phone calls and texts from your adult child involves a delicate balance of listening, empathy, support, and empowerment. Adult children in emotional pain need to be evaluated by a mental health professional. For urgent matters, the national crisis prevention and suicide prevention number to call is 988.

By staying calm, validating their feelings, encouraging independence, and setting healthy boundaries, you can provide the support they need while also taking care of your well-being.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.