Unveiling the Allure: Why Bad Boys and Girls Seem Irresistible

Lusting after a bad boy or bad girl—someone who appears to play by their own rules or seems mysterious and brooding—is a common experience, whether acted upon or held as a fantasy. For some, this is a one-off experience, and lessons are learned; however others seem to continue to pursue and seek out "bad apples" despite it never working out for them.

What is the appeal of the "bad apple"?

It is certainly easy to see how the bad apple could be seductive; however the mannerisms and qualities that attract us are sometimes smoke and mirrors for something less appealing.

They may appear to have astonishing levels of self-belief and self confidence, combined with a lack of self-doubt. This can be attractive as we all have moments of self-doubt and may devalue our abilities, which can feel painful. Maybe we aspire to be as confident and self-assured as them, or maybe we think being around them will promote our own self-esteem. In reality, their self-focus can mean a disregard for feelings of our needs and the need of others, or it could represent an inflated ego and a cold devaluing of others.

They may appear to be aloof, laid back, and unfazed by the stressors of life. We may seek to hold this level of resilience and easy-going approach. However, they may be in chronic state of shut down, finding it difficult to access their true emotions, and have an inability to reflect on themselves, struggling with empathy and perspective taking.

They may appear independent, free spirited, and strong-willed. We may see this as exciting, spontaneous and fun at first. However, in a relationship this can mean they are highly self-reliant, isolating themselves from others and lacking a natural ability to bond and nurture. They may become distant, non-committal, and flaky.

Can attachment systems explain why?

If you or a friend or loved one consistently find themselves drawn to "bad apples" in a never-ending cycle of pursuit and disappointment, it may be explained by your attachment style.

The classic representation of the bad boy or bad girl mirrors the characteristics of the avoidant attachment style. The avoidantly attached prioritise independence and adventure over proximity-seeking and bonding to another, and they are often fiercely independent, seeking to meet all of their own emotional needs. They shut down or deactivate their attachment system in relationships, at times, as they have a negative model of others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

If the person pursing the avoidant bad boy or girl has an ambivalent attachment style, high in anxiety, then they are likely to become extremely activated and responsive. The ambivalently attached may have a strong need to feel connected to and validated by a partner and prioritise bonding and safety-seeking over exploration and discovery. They tend to have a positive model of the world and others, but an negative internal view of the self.

If the avoidant "bad apple" is behaving true to type by pulling away, seeking distance, and being non-committal, this could confirm the fears of the ambivalent that they are in some way negative. They may feel ‘not good enough’ feel worthless of full of self-doubt.

How the ambivalent might respond:

1. Writing lengthy text messages. They simply want to explain themselves and prove themselves, leading to overexplaining.
2. Longing to see them/trying to seek them out. As they are hyperactivated, proximity seeking is strong.
3. Feeling worthless. Their belief that they are not good enough is reinforced and self-esteem is reduced.

This pattern of behaviour can appear frantic and impulsive due to the high levels of activation and distress.

If you are currently pursuing the bad boy or girl, reflect on your own approaches to relationships, and if you recognise the features of the ambivalent attachment style, maybe give this one a miss and focus on yourself and your own needs.