The Authoritarian Formula

Here's the simple authoritarian formula used by all impossible people everywhere, from the dining room chair to the tyrant’s throne. They’re impossible because they’re incorrigible; nothing ever changes their minds. They’re absolutists, not about anything in particular.

The formula is so simple that any idiot can master it and many do. It’s powerful and universal, the formula used by tyrants who take over the world and by frustrated people who can’t take the world and so pretend instead that they’re masters of it.

The formula is simply this:

Never listen to what you’re saying. Say anything to sound invincible. Say it with absolute confidence. Keep up an unbroken appearance of absolute certainty, piety, and victory —a Ponzi scheme impression of an eternal winning streak.

Attack all challengers as proof that you’re beyond attack. Expose their flaws as proof that you’re flawless. Expose their humanness as proof you’re superhuman. Keeping them in the hot seat keeps you out of it. Blare your police siren at others so loudly and continuously that it drowns out all challenges to your authority.

Blow all contrasts out of proportion. Your rivals’ minor gaffes are proof that they’re always wrong about everything. Zero credibility. Game over.

In contrast, your every trivial advance is proof that you are right about everything—game over before you play it. Everyone should listen to you only, because nothing but perfection flowers from your eternally genius, saintly mind.

Be melodramatic, whiny, and theatrical but with imperturbable gravitas and bravado. Anyone who agrees with you proves you’re the triumphant hero. Anyone who disagrees with you proves you're the victimized hero. Moment to moment you're a hero no matter what.

It’s easy to prove you’re right about everything because, remember, you can say anything. The content doesn’t matter, just the false appearance that you're wrong, weak, apologetic, or learning. Never learning, you act like you have nothing to learn. You have an answer for every challenge which proves you're right about everything.

When you’re wrong, as you will be, who cares? Just make more pronouncements and accusations with absolute confidence.

No matter how bad your reputation gets or how little trust you earn, continue to pose as the supreme moral judge. You get to decide who wins, always declaring yourself winner, while posturing as the neutral authority.

If you want, claim that you’re a crusader for the most important mission in the whole world, though, that’s strictly optional. Any mission. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a smokescreen.

Never explain or debate your mission. That would signal receptivity, which is a sign of weakness. All that matters is that nothing can or will ever be more important than your mission. Juggling priorities is for mere mortals. Of course, your real mission is maintaining the appearance of absolute authority.

Feel free to change your mission moment to moment. That’s easy too, since it doesn’t matter what you say. Your hypocrisy will prove that you’re royalty. If people call you on your hypocrisy, retaliate tenfold. They’re the real hypocrites, which proves you’re absolutely consistent. Hypocrisy is a status symbol. Kings and billionaires get to be hypocrites. Power sets you free. Pretend you’re free and it will look like you have power.

Rationalize your indulgence in the formula by flattering yourself as having a can-do attitude, staying positive, and not letting the haters hate. Recast yourself as just like any popular hero. You're like them not because you're fighting for what's right but because you’re defending yourself against all challenges like they did. Martin Luther King and Joseph Stalin were both steadfast. Since MLK is more popular, pretend you're like him, not Stalin.

If you ignore what you say while insisting on it as the last word, the gullible will be seduced into supporting you, and the skeptical will get suckered into trying to debate you. That’s them taking the bait on the false assumption that you care about what you’re saying. One way or another, you’ll get hooked on the formula, drunk on you power.

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The authoritarian formula is popular with those who have so much power no one dares question them and those who don’t know how they’re going to pay for their next meal. It’s employed by unbreakable winners and total losers who can’t catch a break.

It’s the rags-to-riches path to charisma for people who have run out of conscionable excuses. The formula replaces conscience. Once one gets in the practice of saying anything to declare oneself the winner, conscience evaporates. It’s no longer needed. It only gets in the way.

So does reality. Ignore it. People who get hooked on the authoritarian formula are doomed because reality always prevails in the end. But they often have a very profitable run before reality catches up with them. If they’re lucky, they’ll die before it does, leaving everyone to clean up the horrible mess they made.