Breaking the Chains of “I Should” During Grief 

Source: Joey Kyber / Pexels

Breaking completely free from imposing self-prescribed rules starting with “I should” proved challenging in my life, especially when uncontrollable stress caused me to lose my bearings. And I’m a psychologist; “I should” know better.

I still remember the powerful lesson from my clinical supervisor in graduate school, who remarked that “I should” will only lead to “sh*thood.” Yet when I suffered what people repeatedly described as an unimaginable loss—the sudden death of my son—I often resorted to “shoulding” myself through grief.

The Toll of “I Should”

We tend to set “I shoulds” for ourselves while grieving because we desperately want a sense of certainty when we don’t know how to live without our loved ones.

I loved my son with the utmost love a human heart can; he was a natural source of joy in our family dynamic. After he died, I started to believe that, as his mother, I needed to endure just as much suffering as he had, if not more. I repeatedly said to myself, “I should know and feel whatever my son experienced when he died.” I also believed that without my son, I would never feel happy again.

When something bad happens in our lives that make no sense, it is human nature to try to regain control over our lives; often, this takes the form of creating “rules”—which, unfortunately, can restrict us from fully processing our emotions and generate mistaken beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne, provides a helpful guide for understanding different types of negative self-talk and their link to maladaptive beliefs and emotions. Bourne identifies self-talk that starts with “I should” as a characteristic of perfectionistic thinking.

Supporting Yourself Through Grief

Taking steps to let go of negative self-talk and self-prescribed rules while grieving allows for a more flexible and authentic approach to the complex emotions that accompany grief. Experts emphasize that grief is not a linear process, nor does it follow a predetermined timeline. Being flexible with grief means understanding that what feels like setbacks may be normal, transient waves of grief.

For me, it was particularly helpful when someone described grief as an unwanted visitor who overstays their welcome. The longer I grieved, the more I realized that this unwanted visitor was a visitor, not a permanent resident.

An authentic approach to grief involves reflecting on the personal nature of your relationship with your loved one (Lee, 2022). As a mother in a caretaker role, I grieved differently than my older son, who grieved as his brother’s fun-loving mentor and comrade. Providing space for yourself and those around you to express a range of emotions without judgment—from sorrow to anger, confusion, and even moments of joy—may be necessary along your healing journey. On the other hand, the “I shoulds,” although seeming to provide a predictable map forward, might keep sending you to “sh*thood.”

4 Simple Tips for Confronting the Tyranny of “I Should”

Without “I should” rules, we can allow a more flexible grieving process to take place. In The Grieving Brain (2022), Mary-Frances O’Connor emphasizes the importance of this flexibility, which helps us recognize when to pause and reflect and when to push on through grief. Rather than pressuring yourself with rigid rules for grieving, consider adopting a fluid, supportive approach. Steps for pausing and reflecting on your self-talk based on Bourne’s strategies for addressing negative self-talk might include:

1. Increase awareness of your self-talk when negative secondary emotions such as fear, resentment, depression, and shame are triggered. For example, after noticing thoughts such as, “I should be better,” “I must be able to control my emotions,” or “I can’t keep talking about my grief,” taking a moment to gently remind yourself, “I’ve got I should on again” can help you break the chains of your own unspoken rules.
2. Question if your self-talk contains a rule for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Rules might start with “I should,” “I must,” “I ought to,” or “I have to.”
3. Generate flexible alternative perspectives to the negative self-talk by writing them down or talking with a supportive person in your life. A perspective I found helpful was to acknowledge that grieving is about loving my son, and it was OK to feel all of my complicated emotions.
4. Consider if this alternative perspective is self-supportive and compassionate. For example, noticing how you are feeling and considering what you might need rather than telling yourself what you can and can’t feel is a more supportive approach.

Pushing on Through Grief

O’Connor emphasizes that healthy grieving is not a one-size-fits-all but includes different responses in different situations to cope with the wide-ranging aspects of grief. Still, sometimes, grieving may lead us to feel stuck in our pain and remain bitter, angry, or depressed.

Grief expert David Kessler suggests that searching for meaning in our lives can help us grow and find ways to live joyfully (Kessler, 2019). Shifting your attention to the surrounding world in which you live can help you come unstuck from shame and anger, navigate through grief, and prevent it from being the central focus of your life.

Grief Essential Reads

Conversations With Patients Who Have Died

We Heal From Grief in Relationship

I found immersing myself in the beauty of nature connected me to a world I wanted to be a part of and was a helpful reminder to look outward. Another helpful approach was to connect with the people around me intentionally. Relating, sharing, and helping others offered opportunities for me to focus on diverse perspectives and ideas, my sense of belonging, and my life purpose.

Kessler indicates that meaning after loss can develop when we find a way to sustain our love for our loved ones while moving forward in our lives.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.