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Key points
- Lingering anger often stems from unresolved issues.
- Strategies to release anger with a lack of closure include writing letters expressing your feelings.
- The key is to unravel the underlying driver and tackle it.
Sam got laid off from her job six months ago but is still upset about it—why and how they handled it all.
Jake and Sam’s friends have probably pushed them to “just get over it.” Sometimes, it’s not that easy. If anger lingers, it’s because there are underlying drivers. Here are the most common ones:
1. Lack of closure.
While Jake and Sam can push their feelings to the backburner if they’re engaged at work or having a good time, their anger and those memories are never far away, always able to seep into any downtime. A common driver is a lack of closure.
Perhaps Jake and his ex had a terrible argument; she moved out the next day, and they had minimal contact afterward. Sam also got an email from human resources (HR) about her layoff but never had a chance to talk with HR or her supervisor afterward. With such cutoffs, you never get the answers you need to connect the dots—make sense of what happened, have the opportunity to get things off your chest and say your side of the story.
Solution: It's time to get things out of your head and heart that you’ve been ruminating about. Here, Jake and Sam write three letters to Jake’s ex and Sam’s supervisor. The first letter is about getting things off your chest: Handwrite what you want to say with pen and paper. Do a stream of consciousness—“I don’t know where to start”—and see what comes out.
The next letter is to write what they would probably say: Jake’s ex blaming him, Sam’s supervisor talking about the budget.
The third letter is perhaps the most important: Writing what you ideally would want the other person to say in return to heal your wounds. Focus on emotions, not correcting facts.
2. You’re stuck in your story.
Often, when we walk out of relationships, our walk-away story is too simple, too black and white, too victim-slanted. Jake’s relationship ended because his ex had an affair or a temper; Sam’s boss never liked her from the start. Stories that we replay over and over, each time igniting the anger and keeping it going.
Solution: Life events are more complex than a one-line takeaway. The antidote is to drill down and look for the nuances: Consider other possible motives for the other's behavior besides the ones you’ve settled on; try to see the bigger picture of the relationship from their perspective; be honest with yourself about your role in the outcome; look for what is preventing you from being more empathic towards the other person.
With a more complex and realistic story to replace the old one, you gather and apply the lessons of your relationship to your next one and maybe even be grateful for what this life experience has taught you. If this is difficult, consider short-term therapy to have someone walk you through these hard questions.
3. Stirring of old wounds.
Fueling Jake’s anger and ruminating may be fueled by his past—other relationships that have ended the same way—just as Sam's past experience with rejection comes to the fore. Jake and Sam are both dealing with loss, and with loss comes grief, and with grief comes the stirring of old wounds.
Solution: Ask yourself, “Are some old wounds being reopened?” See where your head goes—to past relationships, or to your childhood. Is there something you need to do now to put those old wounds to rest—reach out to someone who hurt you to be heard or to repair, or maybe realize that you need to work on changing how you run relationships to prevent history from repeating itself?
4. Red flags of other problems.
You suddenly think about some argument you had with your mother 10 years ago, or Jake or Sam find their minds suddenly wandering towards the ex or the layoff even though they hadn't thought about them for a while. If your ruminations come and go, the question is why. Why today and not yesterday? Usually, it’s not about whatever you’re thinking about—your mother, your ex, or the layoff—but likely some stress triggering a present problem.
Solution: Here, the skill is to turn these unexpected thoughts of the past into information about possible red flags in the present. Maybe Jake started thinking about his ex because his boss criticized him for some work project, or Sam felt disappointed because her friend had to cancel a dinner date. Or it's not about criticism or disappointment; maybe the trigger is something more benign—a bad day at work or lack of sleep.
If there are these ups and downs, the antidote is to see the past as a red flag for the present and then solve the present problem—circle back to the boss or friend, confront the work stress, and get more sleep.
Lingering anger is not a problem but more an outcome of other emotional or relationship issues from the past or present. Putting your anger to rest is to figure out the underlying causes that keep it in place. Like most things in life, there are lessons to discover that can teach you about others and how to run your life better.
Find the lessons and apply them.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
