The Key to Managing Relationships: Stop Destructive Patterns

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Ask Matt what bothers him most in his relationship with Asha, and he says that he feels nagged, criticized, and micromanaged and wishes there was more sex. Ask Asha the same question and she says she feels she’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of kids and chores, and when she tries to talk to Matt about it, he either gets defensive or, more likely, shuts down. She feels dismissed and neglected and wants more emotional intimacy.

Matt and Asha’s complaints are among the most common that I hear in couple therapy. Not only do Asha and Matt have different needs and gripes, but they are locked in a destructive pattern. It’s hard for Asha to talk to Matt about chores without his feeling nagged and criticized, which in turn turns into defensiveness. This only increases Asha’s frustration, so she presses harder, which fuels Matt’s feeling of here-we-go-again, leading him to shut down. Both wind up feeling worse at the end than when they started, with their stories reinforced: Asha’s that Matt doesn’t care, and Matt’s that he never gets a break. The tense emotional climate leaves Asha without the emotional connection she’s seeking and leaves Matt feeling sexually neglected. Neither is getting what they need.

For some couples, this dysfunctional loop can all too easily become an ongoing power struggle, with each partner digging in and refusing to budge until the other makes a first move or, even worse, driving them into a state of resignation where they eventually both give up—living parallel lives and considering divorce.

The key is breaking the destructive pattern. Here’s how:

See the Pattern as the Enemy, Not Each Other. The mantra here is that the pattern is always more powerful than the people. Accepting this is often the most challenging part because it requires you to push aside your resentment, let go of your story and blame, and be willing to break the blinking contest of who makes the first move without feeling like you’re giving in. Rather than focusing on being right or what the other person is doing, you need to stop the tit-for-tat, give up the little-kid sulking, and instead work together to solve the problem. This translates into each of you knowing your triggers and not allowing them to take over by either doing your best to remain calm and listen or simply calling a time-out so things don’t get out of control.

Step Up, Step Down. Further fueling all this is that Matt and Asha’s relationship is out of balance. Not only is Asha doing the heavy lifting, but she is also the one always initiating, going on offense, and bringing up problems, with Matt being reactive and playing defense. Rebalancing means reversing this dynamic with Matt stepping up about initiating conversations. By initiating more, rather than ducking and weaving when Asha’s coming at him, he can control the time and place of conversations and relieve Asha’s frustration and anxiety by helping her feel they are working together as a team. And when Matt does step up, Asha needs to step down—listen and not criticize to make it safe for him to keep it up.

Give Each Other What You Need. Stepping up and stepping down will help break the pattern and imbalance. Still, next, they each willingly need to make an effort to give the other what they need: Asha’s need for help and emotional intimacy, and Matt’s desire for less control and criticism and more physical connection. Each works their side of the relationship equation: Matt agrees to take on more responsibilities, and Asha tries to be more affectionate.

While initially, there may be a fake-it-till-you-make-it quality, if they both can do this without keeping score, they will change the emotional climate and gain momentum.

Upgrade Childhood Ways of Coping. At a deeper level, their challenges and these behavioral changes are not just about reshaping the relationship but ultimately healing old wounds and upgrading childhood ways of coping. It’s easy to imagine that Asha was over-responsible as a child, doing what she needed to do to keep her parents happy. As an adult, she carries this forward, feeding into her doing too much and feeling like a martyr and resentful. Similarly, we could imagine that Matt had a childhood where his parents were always demanding and controlling; while Asha coped by being good, Matt adopted a passive-resistance approach of not doing.

Continuing to play out these childhood roles only keeps igniting those hurt-child wounds of the past. Like most of us, the challenge for both is to upgrade their coping styles by doing now what they couldn’t do then: Asha stopping her over-responsibility, Matt his passivity, and both substituting assertiveness and cooperation. This not only changes the emotional climate but, over time, prevents the triggering and heals their childhood wounds. They can become the empowered adults that they are.

Patterns shape our lives, and couples quickly create their own. While some are positive—supportive, affectionate, and problem-solving—others are destructive—dismissive, abusive, and neglectful. These patterns are the relationship enemies. While our instincts are to focus on changing the other person, our focus needs to be on changing the real culprit, the pattern itself.

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