The 2 Most Common Relationship Problems

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Jake will admit it: He doesn’t like conflict or confrontation. He’s always been that way, he says, even as a kid. If something bothers him, he is apt to “let it go.”

All her friends would agree that Samantha has a temper; she calls it “getting emotional.” Regardless of the label, she can quickly flare up in anger.

When I look over the roster of clients I’ve seen over the years, most fall into one of these camps: The Jakes, who avoid conflict, and the Samanthas, who struggle to regulate their emotions. Here are the characteristics of each:

Jake: Afraid of conflict

Jake may have grown up in a family where the parents always avoided strong emotions and conflict, and he learned to follow their example. More likely, though, he had explosive or critical parents who caused him to feel unsafe, and he learned to cope by being good and staying under the radar. What he learned as a child continues into adulthood, with his mantra being “I’m happy if you’re happy.” He’s constantly walking on eggshells, especially with people he cares about, either gives in or shuts down when he feels under attack, internalizes—holds in things that bother him—tends to be self-critical, and blames himself rather than getting angry at others; he is likely depressed.

Periodically, he gets fed up—tired of doing so much and getting little back—and with the right combination of stress or maybe alcohol, blows up. Everyone around him freaks out, and he feels guilty and anxious. He resolves never to do that again, which drives him back into holding things in. At some point, Jake may bottom out, realize he is not living his life but building around everyone else’s, and hit a 30-year or midlife crisis and break out—suddenly quitting his job or marriage or finally pushing back and fighting for what he wants.

Samantha: Struggles with managing emotions

Samantha may have had parents similar to Jake’s—explosive or critical—but where Jake “went along,” Samantha identified with the aggressor and pushed back. Where Jake struggles to open up, Samantha struggles with closing down. Some Samanthas go 0-60 so quickly that they can’t catch it, while others do a slow burn and explode. But unlike Jake, who feels terrible for exploding, these folks tend to blame and bully. Finally, what seems like raw anger is often driven by an underlying anxiety, a hypervigilance that ignites a fight mode.

What to do: Conflict avoiders

It doesn’t take much for Jake to feel like a little kid who needs to be careful and calm the emotional waters. To rewire the old programming, he needs to do now what he couldn’t do back then: speak up, tell others how he feels and what he needs, and learn to tolerate the anxiety of confronting rather than accommodating. Only by breaking this pattern, taking the baby steps of going against his grain, can he discover that what he constantly fears will happen—that he will be criticized, rejected, abused—doesn’t. This, in turn, will change his view of himself and the world.

What to do: Emotional regulation

There are a few skills that Samantha needs to focus on. One is learning to track her emotions so she can catch them early. Here, she needs to check in with herself several times a day to gauge her emotional state. While her brain is telling her that she is getting upset because of what the other person is doing, she needs to shift focus and realize that the immediate problem now is her emotions. By checking and catching it early, she can avoid reaching the blow-up point and has time to lower the temperature of her anger or anxiety. Once she’s done this emotional first aid, she can then use her anger as information, letting her know what needs and what problems need to be fixed.

When fear of conflict and emotional regulation become a couple

All too often, these people and problems are attracted to each other because they complement each other. Growing up in a family of strong emotions, criticism, or the pressure of high expectations, Jake has a higher tolerance for this environment than someone who didn’t—it’s part of his relationship DNA. Where bursts of anger might be a red flag for someone else on Date 3, Jake can mentally push it aside or blame himself for what unfolds. And for Samantha, Jake’s conflict-avoidant, seemingly laid-back attitude and ability to accept her anger and demands seem like a great match—what’s not to like?

What’s not to like is that this might work for a few years or even longer, especially if they have kids. Eventually, however, this union of conflict avoidance vs. emotional regulation may begin to fall apart. Jake will get fed up with walking on eggshells, feeling like both a victim and martyr, while Samantha may tire of Jake’s seeming passivity.

They are at a crossroads, and they have two options: Option A is that they divorce. The hope is that they each walk away having learned the lessons of the relationship and do it differently the next time around; if not, they will repeat history and do the same all over again. Option B is that they stop going on autopilot, and each works their side of the relationship equation.

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This translates into Jake taking those baby steps toward assertiveness and stopping internalizing and sweeping problems under the rug. Samantha stops blaming Jake for her anger, takes responsibility for her emotions, and works on regulating them. By doing this, they are working together not to solve not the problem of the other guy but the problem of us—their old patterns and triggers.

This can be challenging, and they may be unable to do it. But at some point, they will need to learn these lessons and skills, and change their coping styles to run their relationships and lives better.

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