Stop Building Your Life Around the Reactions of Others

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You’ve started a new business, but you’re not getting the traffic you hoped to get. You’ve posted a YouTube video on watercolor painting techniques but haven’t gotten many views. You’re disappointed, a bit worried, beating yourself up, and second-guessing your decisions. Your self-esteem has taken a big hit.

The Problem

What these situations have in common is that self-esteem is riding on things you can’t control. Even with the best business model, you can’t control the outcome—the economy may go into recession, a hurricane may destroy your shop— just as you can’t control the response of others to your video regardless of how well you crafted it or how skilled a painter you are. If your measure of success in your life is solely based on the success of your accomplishments or the positive responses of others, you’re not only living in the future but you also are emotionally doomed.

Unfortunately, many people live their lives in just this way. Because of their developmental stage, teens are especially prone to this—the need to fit in and be liked—made all the worse by the impact of social media. But adults can do the same—basing their enjoyment at a party on who noticed them or measuring their professional worth by how they stack up against their competitors and professional colleagues. The result is that, at best, they’re always on an emotional rollercoaster and can all too easily fall into a depression if they have a string of negative feedback.

Another Way

Morita therapy is a psychological approach practiced in Japan and developed by a Japanese psychiatrist who was a contemporary of Freud. While Freud based much of his thinking on Judeo-Christian concepts, Morita based his on Buddhist principles. One of the tenets of his approach is the notion that our emotions go naturally up and down and are outside our direct control. If you are in a low mood, they say, instead of looking to history to unravel the cause, the key is acting despite how you feel, and ideally doing that which gives you a sense of purpose and passion. Be proactive rather than reactive; focus on controlling what you can control—namely, yourself and your behavior. This is about living in the present rather than the future and, most importantly, building your life around process—what you choose and are doing now—rather than outcomes and others.

Thinking this way puts your view of yourself and your life entirely in your own hands. If you want to feel good about yourself and your life, live your life; your joy comes from what you create. Start a business not solely because you hope to make a million dollars but because you believe in the mission or like the challenge of creating your vision from scratch. Post that video because creating it feels creative and worthwhile in its own right, just as the act of painting is its own reward. You do what you do because purpose and passion drive you no matter what happens next. To paraphrase the Buddhist saying: If you do what you do without expectations, you’ll be happy.

Next Steps

If this resonates, perhaps it’s time to take stock of your daily activities and what drives you: Ask yourself how much of what you do in the everyday is based on passion and purpose rather than hopeful but uncertain outcomes and expectations. Be honest with yourself and consider giving up those activities that are merely boring means to some future end. Practice being mindful, focusing on the doing when you’re doing, rather than worrying about what others think or the outcome.

The challenge is setting your own criteria for a fulfilling life, not others' or our culture's, about doing what brings you joy or challenge, now. It's about living the life you want rather than the one you should.

If not now, when?