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Key points
- A mistake some dating couples make is being nice and not rocking the boat.
- Dating is about compatibility; if one is not honest, the other person never gets to know who one truly is.
- The keys are feeling safe to speak up, avoiding arguments but solving problems, and having the same values.
Carla has been dating Josh for a few months, and it’s been great. There’s chemistry, he’s a good listener, they have a lot in common—what’s not to like? But dating can be challenging. It can be tough to find someone who not only seems compatible at first but actually is compatible for the longer haul—often easier said than done.
The dating danger
What can get in the way of truly knowing if you are compatible is doing “dating behavior” for too long. Sure, Carla wants to make a good impression on Josh; she avoids saying anything when he’s late or opening up about her difficult childhood on the first date. Unfortunately, some all too easily get stuck in this mode—biting their tongue, letting things go so they don’t spoil the evening—but at some point, they need to turn the corner and stop sweeping concerns and problems under the rug and pretending everything is fine.
Compatibility requires being open and honest. Here’s what Carla and Josh need to do instead:
1. Talk about problems and solve them.
If Josh’s lateness is an ongoing pattern that bothers Carla, she needs to speak up. This is about being assertive but also about letting Josh know who she really is so that they can ultimately create a relationship that works for both of them.
Equally important as talking about problems is discovering whether they can solve problems together and reach win-win compromises. While the content of problems is always a moving target—now about being late or where to go for a weekend getaway—in a few years, it might be about changing jobs, having a child, or money. They need to see if they can work together in an adult way with neither one feeling like a victim or martyr.
2. Rein in arguments.
If Carla complains to Josh, he may snap back because he’s feeling unfairly criticized or micromanaged. The challenge now is whether they can each put on the brakes when conversations become emotionally hot. If Carla has a hot temper, she needs to work her side of the equation—not blame Josh for getting angry but consciously address it. But if she’s doing her best and Josh can’t manage his anger, it’s a red flag that needs to get on the table. Ignoring it means she may potentially wind up living with an abuser.
3. Talk about talking.
Carla and Josh get huffy but can take a break and cool off. But instead of merely making up and apologizing, they need to circle back and have a two-part conversation. One is addressing Carla’s problem, and here, Josh says he will make a concerted effort to be more aware of time and give Carla a heads-up when he knows he’s running late. But part two is figuring out the moral to the story of the argument: What did they learn about how they need to communicate?
Here, Josh says he feels scolded as if he were a child and tells Carla how to say what bothers her in a way that doesn’t trigger his feeling micromanaged. And Carla does the same, letting Josh know that his interruptions and advice make things worse when she is frustrated. Again, this is about the long haul—learning to communicate in a way that doesn’t make matters worse and helps them both move forward when they have difficult conversations.
4. Have the same vision and support each other’s dreams.
At some point, Carla and Josh need to look ahead to see if their visions of life and the future are the same—having kids or not, living somewhere else or not. They need to share their dreams—having a farm, living in another country, starting that start-up, or writing the Great American Novel. Are they on the same page? Can they support each other’s dreams?
5. Have the same values and similar expectations.
Big issues like politics or religion usually get on the table early and become the relationship killer or sooner-than-later workaround. But everyday life is filled with a host of more minor but equally important issues that need to be put on the table and resolved: How do we balance our needs for couple and individual time? Do we have the same philosophy about money, work, parenting, or expectations about the role of extended family or cleanliness? How can we support each other when we are stressed and struggling? This is about character and personality, differing family cultures and priorities, and again about honesty and problem-solving
6. Feel safe to be vulnerable and honest.
This is probably the most important criterion of all. Feeling safe enough to have these conversations is the key to creating long-term intimacy. Often, the challenge may be yours alone—some past trauma makes confrontation or trust difficult—and the hope is that the other person is caring enough and safe enough to help you step out of your comfort zone and help create healing experiences. On the other hand, if it’s not about you but how the other person reacts that makes you feel you need to be careful and walk on eggshells, this is a serious red flag you don’t want to ignore.
The purpose of dating is to find out whether or not you are compatible. It’s not a time to hold back or ignore.
