The Power of Choice: Who Do You Want to Be?

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Clients constantly tell me they don't have a choice. They can't help how they feel, think, or behave because of their job, family, spouse, school, teachers, past traumas, financial situation, childhood, kids, lack of time, and life demands.

You name it; it's forcing them to feel, think, or act in a way they want to change but believe they're powerless. They become frustrated with me when I put it back on them and ask them to focus on what they have control over, what choices they can make today so that they feel, think, or behave differently.

Sometimes, they'll tell me I don't understand because I never experienced what they've gone through. Or they'll get furious that I even suggested that they have a choice in their situation, and how could I not possibly see what a victim they are in all of this?

When we feel stuck, it's often because our thoughts have created a well-worn pathway that reinforces whatever beliefs got us there. For example, if I believe I cannot do hard things, my thoughts will easily focus on everything I can't do.

In contrast, if I believe I can handle adversity, my thoughts will remind me of all the past times I've done so and look for solutions to my current problem. We need to believe we can put in effort to change our thoughts. We behave quite differently when we hold that belief and have those thoughts.

Life's Secret: We Do Have a Choice

We always have a choice, no matter the circumstances. Before you get angry and think, "Maybe others do, but I sure don't. My awful parents made me this way," or "If I just had a different boss, everything would be better," or "I didn't go to college, this is just how things are for me," pause for a moment. Notice your thoughts and mentally note: You likely feel stuck in these areas.

Viktor Frankl wrote an incredible book, Man's Search for Meaning, which everyone should read. He not only chronicled his experience of surviving World War II concentration camps, he came up with a form of therapy to help individuals find purpose in any situation and, ultimately, choose how to cope with their suffering.

Frankl's theory—known as logotherapy, from the Greek word logos ("meaning")—states that "our primary drive in life is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful."

The book is a great lesson in truly understanding the power of choice from an individual who went through one of the most horrific experiences a person can go through.

The Perceived Roadblocks of Choosing

Here's where people seem to get hung up on the power of choice: They feel that since they can't choose from an infinite field of possibilities, they don't have a choice. They see rich people, thin people, attractive people, smart people, healthy people, or famous people with opportunities they don't have, so they decide they don't have a choice.

They think,

Well, she was raised with money and an awesome family and went to college so she can do whatever she wants. I was raised poor, with toxic parents, and didn't even go to college, so I'm stuck.

And that's exactly where the problem lies. It's not about having infinite opportunities to choose from (very few people truly even have that, no matter how it may seem to others). It's about looking at your opportunities and choosing from them, no matter how limiting your opportunities may be. We always have a choice.

Let's take an example of someone who hates their job, especially their boss. They feel stuck and can't do anything about it because (insert excuse here). But if we step back from the situation and consider the options, we'll find that there is a choice here.

The person could choose to transfer to a different department, apply for a job somewhere else, talk to their boss about their issues, change their attitude towards their boss, quit their job, limit the amount of time they're around their boss, go back to school so they'll have more options, focus on the things they love at their job and do more of those, or take breaks during the day to get out of the office. If they stop thinking of how stuck they are, they'll see a whole world of possibilities.

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6 Signs That You're Stuck in a Negative Narrative

Bottom Line: Others Will Choose If You Don't

While you sit back in your stuckness and misery, the world keeps turning, and with those revolutions, people around you are making decisions that will likely impact you. They're making your choices for you.

If I have no choice in my health, my spouse will buy whatever food he wants for our pantry that I'll be stuck eating, and my doctors will prescribe whatever medications they think are best, even if I don't like the side effects. Since I'm not choosing to be healthy, my family members' demands will increase, so I'll have no free time for self-care.

I'll complain to others about how I can't help the way my body feels because I look at what my spouse makes for dinner every night. Look at these medications my doctor put me on that make me feel bad.

Look at how my family members expect me to do everything, so now I have no time for exercise. And all the while, I'm reinforcing the belief that I have no choice.

7 Tips: Align Your Choices

Here are some things that you can start doing today to make choices that are more aligned with what you want or with who you want to be:

1. Pay attention to your stuck points. Whenever you make excuses as to why something can't change, and you realize (or someone points it out to you) that you're complaining about it quite a bit, these are your stuck points. These are the areas where you feel you have no choice.
2. Notice how you feel in different situations or arenas of your life. When do you feel tense and anxious? When are you most irritable or frustrated? When are you snapping at others for seemingly no reason? These are likely also areas where you feel stuck and have no choice.
3. Start journaling for 15 minutes daily for two weeks using the format from the best possible self. This exercise requires you to imagine how you want your life to be and to write about it in as much detail as possible. Not only has research shown that optimism increases for individuals who do this, but it's also a great way to get you thinking about the possibilities available to you.
4. Start with small things. Look at the areas of your life where you feel stuck and pick out the smaller areas that will be easier to change. Brainstorm as many solutions as possible to the problem and list as many possibilities as possible (without editing or judgment) for three minutes. Once the timer goes off, look over your list and choose which solution you'll start with today.
5. Find an accountability partner. An accountability partner is someone who knows that you're trying to change something, and they're going to hold you responsible. Choose someone you see frequently with no problem calling you out on your excuses.
6. Share with others what you're trying to change. If you're comfortable, make your changes public. Research has shown that people are more likely to follow through when they tell those around them, whether through social media or by announcing it to the office.
7. Each morning, when you start your day, remind yourself that you get to choose how you'll react and how you'll feel. Make "I have a choice" your mantra and repeat it throughout the day. When you feel stuck, tell yourself, "I have choices here," and pause to consider what they are.

Conclusion

Life is going to happen no matter what you do. Either you'll sit back and let things happen to you or actively participate in how you live. Wouldn't you rather have a say in how you live each day? Start focusing on your choices and actively participate in your own life.