All About Neglect: What You Didn’t Get and What to Do Now

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A weedy garden, a broken sidewalk, a crumbling house.

A rusty car, deforestation, air pollution.

What do these things have in common?

They are the result of neglect. Neglect of the earth and neglect of our physical surroundings.

Neglect is failing to care for something properly. We can neglect many different things in different ways and at different times—like the earth, your body, your car, your house, your garden, your job, and so on. Neglect is pervasive and its impact is great. Life-altering, even.

Water pollution is a well-known outcome of humans’ failure to properly care for Mother Earth’s invaluable gifts. But what happens when neglect isn’t so straightforward? What happens when a parent neglects their own child? How does this happen and what is the result?

Let’s answer these questions together.

4 Reasons Neglect Can Happen

1. Personal struggles: Many parents in this world are just trying to keep their heads above water. They may be burdened with their own physical or mental health issues or have relentless responsibilities, like caring for their aging parents or a disabled or sick family member. Whatever the reason, these parents are typically depleted of energy and have trouble tending to the needs of their children.
2. Financial problems: Similar to the point above, some parents may work long hours or multiple jobs to make ends meet. These parents miss out on caring properly for their children because of the grind. On the other hand, some parents may be workaholics and put their careers before their children.
3. Lack of knowledge: Some parents simply do not know what their child needs to survive and thrive. Unfortunately, caring for a child is not something that is formally taught. You get this education from what you’ve seen and experienced yourself in your own childhood… and when the model of parenting you saw from your parents wasn’t ideal, you miss out on an essential education.
4. Upbringing: When you are raised with certain rules, values, expectations, and beliefs, you are likely to retain or even pass along these same rules, values, expectations, and beliefs to your children. This is why it’s easy to unknowingly pass down unhelpful or even harmful ways of living to the next generation. Unless you do internal work, like therapy, and reflect on how you were raised and what you’d like to correct, shift, or change, the patterns will tend to automatically continue.

The above reasons for potentially neglecting a child do not necessarily excuse the neglect, but they can explain it. The point is to understand what can lead a parent to turn a blind eye to their child’s essential needs. Struggle, health, pain, generational patterns, and ignorance are real reasons why some parents fail their children.

It’s common for folks to hear “abuse and neglect” (as these two words are so often grouped together) and immediately imagine straightforward, physical, or painful harm. And many folks respond with something like, “My parents never hurt me.” And that’s wonderful, but it also misses the neglect portion. Neglect is what doesn’t happen, so it can be challenging to pinpoint. Considering how you may have been neglected can help you truly grasp what you did not receive as a child.

As you read about the different types of neglect below, I hope you will reflect on which of your needs were met and which of your needs went unmet. Knowing this is a vital step toward healing.

The 4 Kinds of Neglect

1. Neglect of physical needs: This is what people typically think of when they hear the term “neglect.” Vital things like food, shelter, clothing, and hygiene are unmet when a parent neglects their child’s physical needs. Because these things are visible, people can notice this kind of neglect. It’s here that children sometimes get help—as teachers, doctors, family, or friends may intervene. As an adult, those with a history of physical neglect may struggle with eating healthy or may lack self-care strategies to properly take care of themselves physically.
2. Neglect of physical presence: When a child’s parents are not physically present, they are on their own to fend for themself. You might be picturing a “latch-key” kid, as that is an accurate representation of this type of neglect. These neglected children are often alone, lonely, and fiercely independent. In adulthood, they may continue to feel that same loneliness and have difficulty asking for help from others, as they’ve been accustomed to taking care of their own needs for so long.
3. Neglect of communication: Research shows that verbal interactions between a parent and child are key to a child’s development. A study in the journal Developmental Psychology discovered that children who had the most verbal communication with their parents had less restless, aggressive, and disobedient behavior and greater cognitive development (d'Apice, Latham, & von Stumm, 2019). In adulthood, children who experience neglect of communication may find themselves feeling alone and unstimulated, and have difficulty managing and expressing their emotions.
4. Neglect of emotions: Emotional neglect happens when parents do not acknowledge, notice, respond to, or validate their child’s feelings enough. Essentially, a child growing up in this type of environment has no room for their emotions, so they adaptively block off their feelings to fit into the environment they live in. An emotionally neglected child-turned-adult may have great challenges identifying, understanding, and expressing their feelings. They may feel unimportant, different, alone, empty, and unfulfilled in life.

What to Do Now

Let’s examine how neglect may have touched your life.

Perhaps you grew up in a good home and never worried about when your next meal would be. Despite this, you may have had parents who didn’t respond to how you were feeling—who weren’t there for you when you were dealing with a bully, your first heartbreak, academic struggles, or the loss of a pet or a grandparent.

On the contrary, you may have had a parent who was seldom home and dealing with whatever struggle they were facing. But, regardless of their lack of presence, you still felt deeply loved and cared for—your relationship with your parent or parents had emotional substance, depth, warmth, and attunement. Physical neglect without emotional neglect can be much less harmful than pure physical and/or emotional neglect.

So, what did you miss out on in childhood? What are the things you received?

Are you still lacking the same things in adulthood?

If you are a parent today, are you giving your children what you didn’t get? Or, as painful as it is to address, are you unknowingly repeating a pattern?

The amazing thing about neglect is that it’s reversible. When you start eating nourishing meals, your health improves. When you start tending to your garden, your flowers bloom. When you start giving yourself the physical and emotional care you missed out on, you feel seen, loved, and known.

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Give yourself what your parents couldn’t. And, better yet, give your children what your parents couldn’t give you. You can’t change the past, but you can change the now. And that will change the future.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.