How to Have the Holidays You Always Wanted

There's no place like home for the holidays.

While holidays offer a special opportunity to draw grown kids and their families back to the heart of shared traditions, they can also be emotionally charged occasions. Young adults come home because they want and need to stay connected to their family, but often tension and conflict destroy that loving feeling.

Before you buy the turkey or the brisket, ask yourself these questions:

Does your invitation conflict with their obligations to their in-laws or interfere with traditions they want to establish in their own homes?

Do you think of family holidays as a chance to resolve misunderstandings or conflicts with your adult kids?

Do you refuse their offers to help, insist on doing things the way you always have, or treat them hey way you did when they were children?

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It's easy to fall into old patterns when your grown kids come home for the holidays; to treat them like the children they were instead of the adults they've become. And treating them that way in front of their own partners, kids, or peers embarrasses and infantilizes them, makes them reluctant to spend time in your company. It also often ends in a shouting match or silent retreat ensuring that the next time they'll make reservations to celebrate is as far from you as they can afford to go or even with their in-laws, who haven't asked you to come, either.

So check your attitude with their coats. And see whether the situations outlined below sound uncomfortably familiar and the solutions easy enough to implement so that everyone gets to have the celebration they want.

Q. My kids keep making excuses about why they can't come for Christmas dinner or Hanukah latkes—It's too far, they can't get away, they promised the in-laws first. What's really going on?

A. If it's really too far or they're too busy, offer to meet them halfway and establish new ways to celebrate together. Or suggest an alternative—Christmas dinner with you on Twelfth Night, Thanksgiving on Saturday instead of Thursday, or extend an invitation to their in-laws to incorporate their family traditions into your celebration.

Q. Every time our kids and their families are together, there's an explosion! They fight with each other, they fight with us, and everyone ends up with heartburn. What can we do to make it the happy occasion we want it to be?

A. If every holiday ends in disaster, maybe you're seizing this opportunity to get to the bottom of sensitive or troubling issues or ambushing your kids by bringing problems up on what should be a festive or sacred occasion. Don't just sweep problems under the rug, but arrange private time with your kids before or after the holidays to discuss what's going on.

Q. My grown kids don't get along; they never have and never will, despite my efforts. Holidays at our house are tense and angry. Should we make them park their animosities at the door or cancel our celebration?

A. Being under the same roof may just set their tempers on edge, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Instead of sticking with your traditional celebration, plan separate occasions with each of your kids, perhaps Christmas Eve with one set, Christmas Day with another.

By now you probably know what triggers them: unresolved sibling rivalry, being told how to parent their children, being asked leading question that set their teeth on edge. In the interest of family harmony, rein in the behaviors you know provoke them and display the tact that eases tension and averts the blow-ups or withdrawals that inevitably occur. Discuss holiday plan s with them in advance and get their approval, or modify plans to assure a harmonious holiday for everyone.