Stop Using “Good” and “Bad” to Describe Emotions

Don’t worry: This isn’t a whole post devoted to how you’re technically supposed to say “Well” when someone asks “How are you!” We'll leave our grammar worries back in school. This is about something much more important.

Is sad bad? Is happy good? What about regretful, disappointed, and ashamed? What about excited, proud, or grateful? If you’re a normal human being (I’m teasing, please don’t email me), you probably mentally sorted those emotion words into a “good” category and a “bad” category. Let me politely tell you why you’re wrong and how damaging this seemingly intuitive sorting process can be.

Let’s talk about “sad” for a moment. It’s a bad thing to feel sad – surely. No one would ever desire to feel sad. Well...imagine for a second you’re at a loved one's funeral. I’m sorry for your loss. But tell me, what do you feel? I am a therapist, after all; I’m supposed to ask this question. Oh, you feel sad? Good. Because if you didn’t, what would that say about you? That you’re an emotionless robot? That you don’t care that they’re dead? In fact, if by some miracle, you genuinely did not feel sad, or worse, you felt happy, you would probably be concerned — and you should be concerned. Actually, you would likely describe those happy or neutral feelings as “bad” — in that context.

So if our labels for emotions (e.g. sad = bad) can change so quickly, maybe we’ve made a terrible error. Here’s my contention: Through social conditioning, we have crafted inappropriate categories (I like to use the word buckets) for our emotions. And then, in a cruel twist of fate, our “good bucket” seems awfully empty while our “bad bucket” starts to approach the brim. Sorry to hear it, but you’re the one obsessed with the buckets existing in the first place. This is why some cognitive behavioral therapies (ACT, for example) firmly push patients to release their attachment to labeling emotional experiences. Because labels for emotions are inherently contextual. Some might go so far as to say that the labeling itself is what makes the experience unpleasant.

I’m not unreasonable; I’ll settle for the following: pleasant vs. unpleasant. I do understand that anxiety is unpleasant. But if you’re not feeling it while being chased by an axe-wielding murderer? That’s bad. I do understand that joy is pleasant. But if you’re feeling it while your friend tells you he’s been let go at work? That’s bad. It’s unempathetic and, arguably, a character flaw.

What are the long-term benefits of dropping “good” and “bad” as emotion descriptor words? Let’s picture our emotions as uninvited visitors for a second. I love this metaphor because it underscores the temporary, unexpected, and impossible-to-control nature of emotions. You wake up one day and you’re being visited by shame. The mirror’s not treating you the way you’d like. You find yourself comparing yourself with peers. You regret not being further along in your career. These are common emotional experiences that occur when folks experience depressive symptoms. The “bad bucket” is starting to overflow and it just stinks. I am not invulnerable to these feelings myself. But when we exclusively lament the presence of the shame visitor — whom we cannot, despite our best efforts, evict — we fall short of seeing all the complex and meaningful ways we could put shame to work. And we fail to see the purpose of shame’s visit.

Perhaps our brain (our “heart,” if you will) is telling us that it’s time to get some physical activity. Perhaps we reach out to a colleague to ask for mentorship. Perhaps we’ve found our motivation to finally take on extra responsibilities. If we are able to do these things, we are not only recognizing the utility of shame (despite its unpleasantness) but we’re also treating what modern medicine has labeled as depression. Let’s challenge ourselves to seek out the value of our emotions – like a check-engine light on our car's dashboard – even when they hurt.

Good therapy can help navigate the nuances of this task in the context of genuine empathy for the legitimate suffering experienced while the shame visitor is in town — or whichever other uninvited guests are overstaying their welcome. But good therapy would never seek to directly change "bad" emotions into "good" emotions. Neither bucket really exists.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.