3 Tips for Raising Teens With Special Needs

Raising Teens

Pexel by Anna Shvets

Raising teens is hard. This is the point in time when hormones run high, logic is often low, and eye-rolling is real. Raising a teen with special needs means that you are parenting with your child’s specific needs and parenting in a way that helps them to build their sense of self and sense of self-confidence as a person. Adolescence is a time of immense physical and emotional growth, and wanting independence, and a teen with special needs is no different. Sometimes, the timing may be different, but the process is the same.

Your Teen May Be Ready Before You Are

Your teen may be asking you to acknowledge him or her as an adolescent, but you haven’t progressed to that phase yet in your own mind. Many times, this comes from our own anxiety about what we think our teen can handle and how we don’t want them to be disappointed or embarrassed by their struggles. As parents, our natural instinct is to protect our child; it’s okay for your child to feel frustrated or disappointed. This is what builds grit and resilience.

Close your eyes and think about the image you have of your child – do you still see your cute little boy running around with his Thomas the Tank Engine tucked under his arm? If so, take a good hard look at your teenager, close your eyes, and imprint that image in your mind’s eye. Next time you think about your young man or woman's capabilities, make sure you are looking at the latter image.

Set the Rules and Stick to Them

Teens thrive on consistency even though they will push your rules and limits hard. Set your rules and household guidelines and consistently hold your child to them. It’s okay to be flexible and make an exception if you feel like your child is having a difficult day or moment but stick to the guidelines that you’ve set. Those guidelines and expectations will be internalized for your child as her or her own.

Next, hold your teen to the same rules as you would for your other children, rather than making exceptions that may appear to be unfair or “easier” for your teen with special needs. Although your teen may point out his or her struggles as a way to get out of being held to certain expectations, you and your teen can figure out a different approach to work towards the goal, but the goal remains the same. This will serve to bolster self-esteem and help him or her to feel like an important and equal member of the family.

Give Them Responsibility

You may think, ‘My teenager doesn’t have the will or the ability,’ but every teenager needs a sense of responsibility and accountability, regardless of abilities. Gradually increase your teen’s responsibility and encourage and support him or her. I know this may be tough for you, but curb your tendency to protect. By not giving your teen responsibility, you are subtly giving him the message that he "can’t do it" or “doesn’t have the ability.” Although unintentional, that is the message that your teen will absorb.

Start small with little responsibilities, little chores, and add as your teen shows that she is able to handle. These responsibilities are also encouraging his ability to problem solve, plan ahead, sequence, and complete a task. Not only are you helping your teen to begin to develop a sense of self-efficacy, but you are helping him to develop great executive functioning skills too.

Attach privileges or allowance to completion of chores. Giving your teen chores is giving the message that his or her contributions are important to helping your home operations run smoothly.

Set Your Standards and Set Them High

Sadly, standards for teens with special needs are sometimes not set as high as they can be. Expect more from your child. The less you expect from your child, the less they accomplish, but the more you expect, the more they are able to accomplish with your encouragement, support, and cheerleading.

As parents, we aim to raise independent people. Give your teen choices and let him or her follow through with the outcome. Don’t play out how things may happen if your teen chooses option A vs. B. Just say ‘okay’, sit back, and watch. Obviously, you are not going to let your teen engage in potentially harmful behavior; however, take note of the process, and talk about the outcome.

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Ask the questions:

• Are you satisfied with the outcome?
• If yes, what did you like about it?
• If no, what would you do differently?
• How do you think you might handle a similar situation in the future?

In essence, you are encouraging real-world thinking… not thinking in theory, or thinking for your teen.

Every teen, special needs or not, needs these life experiences in order to develop critical skills in building his own life. Your worries and fears are legitimate, but don’t let them hold your teen back from growing. Instead, focus on what your child does well and provide more opportunities for positive growth… for both of you!