How to Avoid Getting Triggered

The use of the term “trigger” is widespread in our culture today. In my practice, I hear about many ways that people are triggered by people and circumstances: workplace colleagues, random people on the street, a news item, our children, our spouse. Usually “triggering” refers to a strong and unpleasant emotional or affective response—a sharp spike in anger, irritation, anxiety, fear or discomfort.

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Technology and Triggers

Our increasingly mediated lives fuel a general trigger climate. Think of popular tweets or videos on Twitter or TikTok. What are the trending threads and comments? Often they are the most virulent comments, designed specifically to “trigger” responses from general or specific audiences. Indeed, baiting particular groups is one of the more common practices we see on Twitter, with the use of memes designed specifically to anger or upset very specific political or cultural groups.

This has always been partially true in the media landscape (“if it bleeds it leads”) but it is more dominant in digital culture. Triggering others online can lead to more attention, which is often monetized as “click-bait.” It can be profitable to elicit triggers online.

The Usefulness of Naming our Triggers

Naming how and when we are triggered can be helpful, both in our online and real-life interactions and relationships. Naming our emotional responses can make them conscious and help us act more intentionally. Many mindfulness practices aim to slow down our response times to various affective states. If I can notice a change of state in my body, thoughts, or feelings, this can help me to plan, slow down, and make more deliberate actions or reactions.

Noticing and naming a trigger can pause an immediate, reflexive response that can prove damaging to interpersonal relations. One common example is the pause that we should always take before responding to emails, especially groups or listservs. How often do we get “triggered” by an overzealous or irritated colleague and shoot back immediately with a hasty, misspelled response that we regret an hour later?

The Risks of “Trigger” Language

Not all instances of trigger-naming can be useful and effective, however. In many cases, the use of this term can be weaponized and leveraged as a way of deflecting from oneself and attacking others. Stating that you are “triggered” by someone can immediately be used to blame, judge, and attack another for being solely responsible and accountable for your feelings. It can be a way to wield power and exact perceived interpersonal justice.

This is one of the arguments that Sarah Schulman makes in her book, Conflict Is Not Abuse. Being triggered usually indicates some pre-existing suffering that has been brought up in the present. The triggered person is often unfairly blaming the person in front of them for events they didn’t cause in the past: “The person being triggered is suffering, but they often make other people suffer as well,” Schulman writes.

We can see this play out in all kinds of situations online, in person, and in close relationships. Something is triggering and often our immediate action is to cast blame and responsibility on the one setting you off. In many cases, the one being triggered doesn’t assume any responsibility at all for their own emotional reaction (i.e., past experience or particular sensitivities) and thus does not become active in repair processes.

This is less complicated in online settings when triggering is intentional—someone is purposely pushing buttons they know will upset their audience. It gets much more tricky, however, in interpersonal scenarios, where the triggering word or action can be unintentional, inadvertent, or even unconscious.

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This frequently happens in close relationships when people are emotionally escalated. In this case, an authentic or reflexive emotional response (like irritation or anger) can be seen as an intentional trigger to the other. This can set off a cascade of mutual triggers that can escalate to heightened conflicts, including name-calling, stonewalling, and even violence.

How not to be triggered by your partner, family member, or friend

The next time you are triggered by someone in your life, consider the following thoughts and actions as you process and act on the unpleasant experience:

1. Take an immediate pause, and, if you can, take a break from the triggering situation. This allows you to avoid immediate, reflexive, and habitual reactions to stressful experiences, reactions that can ultimately escalate your own emotional distress.
2. Reflect on similar or familiar feelings to those experienced in the moment of being triggered. It is likely that you have felt something like this before, or have had other experiences parallel to this one. You may be acting defensively and automatically based on negative experiences from the past. Maybe that past reaction was appropriate at the time but it doesn’t serve the current context.
3. Practice radical empathy. When you have made some time to settle, reflect on the triggering person and what might motivate their actions. If they are a close acquaintance, you probably understand a little about their background. If you feel there is a legitimate and intentional pattern of intent to harm, make changes to your relationship and establish boundaries. If you don’t, maybe they are acting out of their own defensive structure, insecurities, or discomfort. Understanding this will help dilute the feeling of being targeted intentionally by their words or actions.