Is Fear Running Your Life?

In the fast-paced whirlwind of modern life, it's easy to overlook the silent driver that often guides our actions and decisions: fear. In my own journey, it took a period of burnout for me to realise that fear wasn't merely a background noise of anxiety, self-doubt, and self-criticism, but rather the orchestrator of my existence, both personally and professionally. It wasn't until I reached a critical point of incapacity that I confronted this reality head-on and chose to embark on a change, knowing that I no longer wanted fear to dictate my path. Now armed with personal insight and the scientific understanding gleaned from my studies and practices of psychology, I extend a guiding hand to help you reassess whether fear is at the helm of your life and, more importantly, empower you to relegate fear to a passenger seat and choose a different driver.

If we desire to change something, our first task is to understand it. So, let's acquaint ourselves with fear. Fear, a primal human emotion, is a natural response designed to safeguard us from perceived threats. It manifests not only in our minds but also in our bodies and actions, triggering physiological responses like a rapid heartbeat and behavioural responses such as fight-flight-freeze behaviours geared towards self-protection. Yet, in today's context, this instinctual response is often unnecessarily and excessively triggered, leading to chronic states of anxiety, stress, and even physical ailments. Recognising and understanding this response is the initial step towards relegating fear to the passenger seat of your life.

Besides understanding fear in a general sense, we also need to be conscious of its operation within our own systems. Often, we are unaware that we are operating from a basis of fear. That's why learning to be mindful is crucial. Mindfulness is about being present on purpose, non-judgmentally. It allows us to become more conscious through purposeful practices that train our attention to focus on the present rather than being consumed by the past or the possible future or avoiding what is in the present. By cultivating mindful awareness, we illuminate the shadows where fear resides, fostering a deeper connection with our innermost selves.

With heightened mindful awareness comes the opportunity for introspection. Delving into the depths of our fears, we unearth the underlying anxieties that dictate our actions. What am I afraid of? What does my mind fear will happen if I don't act or do something a certain way? For me, it was the fear of failure, the dread of being seen as a disappointment and being rejected by others, perceived as less than. This fear was deeply rooted in childhood experiences and societal expectations of success and belonging. Understanding the origins of my/our fears is pivotal, as it lays the groundwork for the next step of removing fear as the driver of our life—acceptance.

Facing fear head-on like this can be challenging. Often, we instinctively respond to our fears with resistance, reassurance, distraction, or denial. Unfortunately, these actions only perpetuate their hold on us. Instead, we must embrace fear with acceptance. We do this by acknowledging its presence when we are mindful of it: 'Ahh, there's fear.' We allow it (drop the resistance, denial, or any other avoidance tactic) and we accommodate it. Accommodations are any actions that help us connect and soothe ourselves in the moment of fear, initiating the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS)—be it breathwork, talking to trusted others, movement, or creative expression—we counteract the hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) activated under fear, paving the way for regulation and balance.

As we navigate this terrain of fear and acknowledge and accommodate its presence, we are then in a position to identify the behaviours that tether us to fear's grasp, the ‘protective’ behaviours. These are the fight-flight-freeze responses. It is usually recommended to start with behaviours that don't feel as scary, to begin with. As we build confidence in being able to let go of these ‘protective’ behaviours, we can work up to the next ones. For example, when it came to telling people I wasn’t coping at work, my fear of being seen as a failure was ever-present and was leading me to ‘freeze’ (avoid getting help). I feared telling those closest to me first. However, I felt less fear of telling my supervisor. Don’t get me wrong, that was still scary, but I started there. I used a lot of accommodation behaviours to help bring a sense of support and safety within as I stepped in the feared direction. Taking this action allowed me to get the help I needed. I encourage you to write down those behaviours fear leads you to do and start working on the ones that are least scary, arming yourself with your accommodation behaviours to start bringing the fear away from your driver's seat.

As the fog of fear clears, we often become more able to connect with parts of ourselves that are more intuitive, creative, explorers, and dreamers. These are the parts of ourselves that have interests, desires, and values that went ignored due to fear. We open ourselves to connecting with these parts with our newfound mindfulness and soothed states. In this stage, we embark on getting to know ourselves, what we desire, value, need, etc., and from this more knowing state, take actions aligned with this. We start to find a new driver for life. For me, I made a list of my values, the qualities in which I wanted to live my life: wisdom—forever learning, compassion—towards self and others, authenticity—getting to know and be my true self, and community—connecting with and being the connector for others. I feel like this stage is getting to know the real self, with the veil of fear lifted. In this space, we start to nurture and cultivate the new driver, the wiser, more intuitive self. This can take time, and you may find yourself oscillating between the two drivers—fear and the new wise/intuitive self. This cycle is normal; keep repeating the steps, and over time, the wise intuitive self will take the wheel. Trust the process.

In summary

• Understand the nature of fear.
• Cultivate mindfulness to illuminate fear's presence.
• Explore the roots of your fears.
• Embrace fear with acceptance and compassion.
• Gradually diminish fear-driven behaviours.
• Cultivate and practice responses aligned with your true self.

In embracing this process, we transition from passive passengers run by fear to empowered drivers. This process isn’t easy, but it is worth it. If you find it difficult, please seek professional guidance from a therapist who can help you. If it was easy, all therapists would be out of a job.

Take care of you,

Shannon