A man trolls through web sites, searching for someone to fulfill his momentary fantasy. Waves of anticipation—he may find what he wants!—alternate with a nagging fear that he will be exposed as a sick freak. What would his friends and family think of him if they knew? A woman looks at her child, meanwhile, and feels crushed with disappointment. Her heart just doesn't swell for him the way it does for his sister. She anxiously tries to hide her preference, all the while berating herself for being a terrible mother.
Feelings or habits that are out of the ordinary are great fodder for art and entertainment, but they can cause anguish to those who can't understand—and don't appreciate—their own outre tendencies. Of course some people are proud to be twisted, and even cultivate strangeness: Half-blue-eyed, all-pasty-white Goth rocker Marilyn Manson surely doesn't spend much time moping around, wishing he were just like everybody else. But why do many others obsess over not being normal?
Paying attention to norms is how we stay in step with social expectations, says Dustin Wood, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in North Carolina, who is interested in how personalities develop. "Normality is the barometer people use to figure out if they're acting the way they should be."
In probing the common standards of normality, Wood has made a surprising discovery: Being normal is actually extraordinary. It's an unusual combination of specific traits that all have to do with being extra likable. The people who see themselves as most normal (and are seen that way by others) are much less neurotic than the average person, uncommonly easy to get along with, unusually respectful of propriety, and highly responsible.
Normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren't universally appealing. They're not adventurous. They're not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual. A sense for music like Mozart's is certainly exceptional. So is the ability to speak six languages, or the courage to leap onto the subway tracks to save a stranger's life.
Wood has found that monitoring normal behavior is one of the important ways we continue to grow and mature. But off-key qualities often have their own reason for being. They can even have unexpected upsides. Besides, they're what make us endlessly fascinating—and essentially human.
The Slacker's Lament:
I have no ambition.
Tom Hodgkinson has made his name and his reputation—one might even say his career—as a layabout. Fifteen years ago, he launched the magazine The Idler. Its inspiring manifesto: "To return dignity to the art of loafing, to make idling something to aspire towards rather than to reject." His latest book, The Freedom Manifesto, combines tips on how to throw off the chains of hard work with anecdotes about the Merrie Olde England of yore, where lounging, making music, and dancing were most people's highest aspirations.
True to his cause, Hodgkinson doesn't have a job. He works at home, reading and writing, but only until about 1 p.m. The rest of the day? "I try to do some gardening, or have a nap," he says. "The children come home from school at about four, and then in the evening it's reading, or talking."
Our striver-obsessed society looks down on those who just float along without a master plan. And laziness often masks something more troubling: depression, frustration, or a lack of self-efficacy. Some people who appear to be listless or unmotivated actually don't believe they can accomplish anything or find it hard to take action because they are suffering from clinical depression. Ironically, perfectionists can also appear to be lazy, because their fear of failure prevents them from taking on important projects.
But many slackers may possess confidence and wherewithal aplenty; they're just lacking in conscientiousness—the will to succeed and the stick-to-it-iveness that is associated with career success. This subcategory of lazy people is merely laid-back, and while they might not feel too happy in Manhattan, they'd be right at home in the Florida Keys.
Hodgkinson's little secret is that he is actually not lazy. He cares for his chickens, putters around in the vegetable garden, practices the ukulele. "It looks like laziness, because it's a rejection of conventional ways of working, but it's more about finding work that is creative, self-directed, under your own control," he says.
This philosophy of life is closely related to the concept of "intrinsic motivation," or an internal drive. Researchers who study happiness have found that organizing your life around intrinsic aspirations—often goals such as fostering community, connecting to family, or creative engagement—tends to make people happier. Extrinsic goals such as professional success, wealth, and fame do not.
It's significant that Hodgkinson has voluntarily chosen this path, says Richard Koestner, a psychologist who studies motivation at McGill University in Montreal. "The critical issue is whether a given behavior is self-endorsed rather than pressured and compelled," he says, adding that a person who has chosen not to pursue very many goals may be quite content if that decision reflects his core personality and values.
The Dead Zone
I have a morbid sense of humor.
