Ever get stressed out because you weren't sure what
you'd say at that morning meeting? Worried about what you'd
look like after squeezing into last year's bathing suit?
Self-consciousness keeps us fighting that battle to control our
self-image. But obsessing over our shortcomings inevitably traps us in
embarrassment and shame.
The difference between embarrassment and shame is slight but
significant, and the distinction is crucial for building a protective
armor of self-esteem. When we introduce our friends to a colleague and
forget her name, it's an embarrassing blow to our image, because we
think others are viewing us in a negative light. If there are enough
embarrassing moments that we begin viewing ourselves badly, then our
self-image collapses and we feel that heavy weight of shame.
Creating a pillar of success in our lives is one way to end the
dreaded trap of embarrassment and shame. Successfully completing a
difficult project at work builds confidence and leads to future success.
Similarly, a satisfying relationship is a prideful accomplishment and
helps motivate us to seek other such connections.
But how do we take that first brave step away from
self-consciousness in order to feel like (and ultimately become) a
success?
Kill shame-inducing situations before they become a threat, advises
David Allyn, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained social scientist and visiting
scholar at Columbia University's Institute for Social and Economic
Research and Policy. His book, I Can't Believe I Just Did That,
includes a few pointers:
-
Be on time. Punctuality creates self-discipline and
impresses both others and yourself. It's a healthy habit that keeps
you calm about the clock.
-
Stick to the facts. You're bound to get caught lying,
so why bother? Lies just set you up with unnecessary opportunities to
feel ashamed.
-
Cut the gossip. Comments made behind your back sting, and
don't forget how you feel about those who talked about you. Focus
on deep, meaningful talk where every conversation can be a chance to
realize a dream or accomplish an aim.
-
Keep your word. It feels good to be considered reliable, so
honor your word no matter what the reasons are for disregarding them.
Remember, a promise is a promise.
If the damage is already done and you find yourself at the tail end
of an embarrassing situation, you can still avoid that feeling of shame
by recovering gracefully. Don't lash out in defense or lie to cover
your tracks—you'll just end up feeling worse and likely
complicate a relationship that doesn't need complicating.
Try laughing it off or explaining why you made the mistake. Also,
don't leave a social situation simply to avoid the people you made
a mishap in front of—avoidance will leave you feeling further
ashamed and isolated.
Here's a very important point to remember: People tend to
forget others' mistakes and obsess over their own.
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