Ah, sexual fantasy. It has one big advantage over sexual reality:
You have total control over everything that happens. You won't be
humiliated or suffer at the hands of a brutish lover unless, of course,
that's what you want.
Consider the possibilities. Your fantasy partner can be a
celebrity, the guy who works down the hall, or your best friend's mate.
You enjoy complete choice of venue: a tropical island, an elevator, a
tree swing. And the activity in question can range from romantic, longing
glances to sexual gymnastics that would strain a circus
contortionist.
So perhaps the most surprising fact about our fantasies is this:
The sexual scenario we most often imagine is the ordinary, non-kinky
intercourse with a past or current lover. Despite the potential for
limitless freedom, our fantasies generally stay firmly tethered to
reality.
Don't worry if you assumed most fantasies were a bit more risque.
Even in today's tell-all culture, sexual fantasies remain one of our last
taboos, something that people simply don't discuss.
"We tell each other almost everything--our sexual habits, who we
lust for, how much money we make," notes Columbia University psychiatrist
Ethel Person, M.D., author of By Force of Fantasy. "But I do not know the
sexual fantasies of my closest friends. We regard fantansies as too
revealing. They're treasured possessions, yet we're ashamed of
them."
Even psychologists long found sexual fantasy vaguely disreputable,
ignoring the topic almost entirely for the first half of the century. But
the last two decades have produced a flurry of new information, say
University of Vermont psychologist Harold Leitenberg, Ph.D., and South
Carolina's Kris Henning, Ph.D. And it turns out that a lot of what we
thought we knew is wrong.
Imaginary Lovers
The misconceptions about sexual fantasies began with Freud himself.
In 1908 he declared that "a happy person never fantasizes, only a
dissatisfied one." Later thinkers embroidered this theme, developing what
has become known as the deficiency theory.
"People still believe that fantasies are compensation for lack of
sexual opportunity," says Leitenberg. "That if your sex life was
adequate, you wouldn't have to fantasize."
But the data show that, if anything, frequent fantasizers are
having more than their share of fun in bed. They have sex more often,
engage in a wider variety of erotic activities, have more partners, and
masturbate more often than infrequent fantasizers, Leitenberg and Henning
report in Psychological Bulletin.
The association between fantasies and a healthy sex life is so
strong, in fact, that it's now considered pathological not to have sexual
fantasies.
And no wonder. Researchers studying sexual fantasies confirm that
everyone has them, from adolescence onward. Well, almost everyone: About
five percent of men and women say they have never had a sexual fantasy
(or won't admit to it). Person believes that these fantasy-free folks are
getting a vicarious fix elsewhere--from movies, for example. Or else they
simply aren't paying attention to their own thoughts.
Most adults say they first remember fantasizing between the ages of
11 and 13. From there they quickly pick up speed. Sexual fantasies and
thoughts are most common in hormone-addled teens and young adults. In one
study, researchers asked people at random times during the day whether
sex had crossed their minds during the past five minutes. Among 14- and
15-year-olds, 57 percent of boys and 42 percent of girls said yes.
Affirmative responses were less common with increasing age: among 56-to
64-year-olds, 19 percent of men and 12 percent of women answered
yes.
Once you get beyond age, though, it's hard to predict whether a
given person has lots of fantasies. Attempts to identify a
"fantasy-prone" type of individual have been woefully unsuccessful. Even
religious and political views provide few clues. Conservatives have just
as many fantasies as liberals--despite the fact that, according to one
study, nearly half of conservative Christians feel sexual fantasies are
"morally flawed or unacceptable."
The devout aren't the only ones who have mixed feelings. One in
four people feel strong guilt about their fantasies, reports Leitenberg.
Most of this hand-wringing "involves people who feel guilty about
fantasizing while making love to their partners," he says. Even among
sexually adventurous groups like college students, 22 percent of women
and 8 percent of men said they usually try to repress the feelings
associated with fantasy.
Guilt also strikes when fantasy and personal ideology collide.
"There are people who feel that their sexual fantasies are not a part of
them," Person says. "The CEO of a Fortune 500 company may have
masochistic fantasies of being tied to a bed, and he might be perfectly
comfortable because he sees that as respite from having to be in control;
whereas some feminists are ashamed because they have masochistic
fantasies and they feel that the fantasies are contrary to their
political beliefs."
Such guilt exacts a heavy toll. Those who fret over their fantasies
have sex less often and enjoy it less, even though the content of their
fantasies is no different from those of the guilt-free.
But even unusual and "deviant" fantasies give little reason for
concern in healthy individuals. It's true that we sometimes use fantasies
as a springboard for later sexual hijinks. But the path from fantasy to
deviance is anything but direct.
