Defining Emotional Overdependency in Unhealthy Relationships

Healthy emotional dependency is part of relationships, as it creates reliability and nourishes respect. Without a certain degree of dependency, respect is unattainable, as we would fail to appreciate the reliability of our partner. However, a relationship can be unhealthy if one is overly dependent on the partner. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people with the latter do not suspect that they might be more emotionally reliant on the partner than on themselves, thus creating a possibly unstable dynamic within the relationship.

Acknowledging excessive emotional dependency is challenging because it elicits fear of never being able to break free from it and the feeling of helplessness. However, addressing this fear in therapy helps distinguish the real aspects of emotional helplessness from the imaginary ones.

Let’s see what defines the nature of losing oneself emotionally and placing a partner’s emotions above yours.

According to doctor Charles Whitfield, losing oneself emotionally is a common problem. It comes from concentrating so much outside of ourselves that we lose touch with what is inside of us. That includes our feelings, intuitions, sensations, and sensibilities, as well as some physical functions, such as heart rate and respiratory rate (4). We begin to lose our sense of autonomous identity. However, since we need to identify with someone or something, the partner becomes our new identity. That is how the problem is created — our self feels hollow, and we fill it with complete dependency on another, often a partner.

This may be an attempt to attain happiness and decrease feelings of anxiety. In unhealthy relationships with overly emotional dependency, individuals base their happiness on their partner’s success and their unhappiness on their partner’s failures. In order for such individual to feel good, their partner needs to be happy and behave accordingly. If their partner is not happy, they feel obligated to make them happy and take on another’s happiness as their responsibility.

Control plays a major part in the relationships where overdependency is present. Beattie (1987) defines a person who has it as “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” (1, p. 31). These individuals believe that they will be able to control the feelings and behaviors of others by mere force of will. When they don't achieve their desired result, they tend to either intensify their efforts by exerting more control, or they may surrender and experience feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, and even more shame.

Emotional helplessness that manifests through excessive emotional dependency may also be based on a false sense of love. It does not mean that the individuals do not love their partners. In fact, if you ask them or observe their behavior, their love seems vast and engulfing. However, the basis of excessive emotional dependency is the conflict with oneself. As Cermak (1986) put it, it is going against yourself. Going against your values for the sake of strengthening connections with others by pleasing them provides comfort. Therefore, self-hate from guilt and shame gives birth to falsehood in love, which manifests in pleasing. However, sacrificing your own interests for the sake of others unavoidably mounts hidden discontent which often later takes the form of passive-aggression.

In some cases, an individual idealizes a partner to such an extreme degree that their relationship carries a somewhat religious undertone. They place hopes for salvation on their partner, similar to how a religious person puts theirs in a higher power. This idealization serves as a psychological defense against one’s shame, where they feel unworthy and perceive their partner as the universe.

Emotional helplessness that shows itself through excessive dependency often transpires in adult relationships but stems from dysfunctional childhood family dynamics. Families where substance abuse is present are especially prone to creating overly dependent family members, especially children. The child is either taught to hide, since they have received the message that they are too unimportant to be themselves, or, when emotional or physical violence is present, they reach the conclusion that hiding is the best strategy because being unnoticed is a matter of emotional, mental, and even physical survival. This unhealthy tendency can also be forged when the atmosphere around the child is extremely unpredictable and their safety depends on others who behave unpredictably; whatever an adult family member chooses to do, the child must accept but is unable to influence. When grown, the child thus tries to predict their partner’s actions and desires in order to accommodate.

Childhood rules that form the genesis of excessive dependence in adult life may include:

1. It is not okay to talk about problems or communicate or express feelings openly.
2. Communicate indirectly — through someone other than the one you need to talk to.
3. Don't be selfish, meaning your needs come last.
4. Always be strong, good, perfect, happy, and grateful.
5. It is not okay to be playful or to have an independent opinion.
6. Don’t rock the boat.

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These rules may serve to protect the family from short-term conflict and pain, but they set the stage for hiding the child’s true self, including their needs, wants, and feelings, causing them to be placed onto the partner in adult life (4).

The good news is that this learned emotional helplessness can be effectively addressed in therapy. So, how do we work around these unhealthy relationships?

1. Improve self-worth
2. Work on establishing boundaries
3. Develop the ability to listen to oneself
4. Address core feelings of guilt and shame
5. Try new ways of doing things independently
6. Learn to assume responsibility for one’s happiness and future

Learned emotional helplessness can be a precursor for emotional abuse. For 5 signs of abuse read my post "5 Signs That You May Be in an Abusive Relationship".