Estranged Daughters: Should You Try to Reconcile?

Source: Federica Giacomazzi / Unsplash

After I wrote a piece about what estranged parents seeking reconciliation need to do, readers asked me to address the issue from the adult child’s point of view. There is no answer to the question posed; there is only the answer you choose for yourself based on your experiences.

The reality is that parental/familial estrangement is rarely a one-and-done thing; studies show that people cycle in and out of estrangement for reasons that are both simple and complex, closely thought out and not. I myself cycled in and out for close to 20 years before I finally set the estrangement in stone.

Anecdotally at least, a change in the estranged parents’ circumstances often precipitates re-establishing contact although reconciliation is not the goal. It’d be nice to report that these stories all have happy endings, but, alas, they do not. Pauline, 52, recounts her story:

I had not been in contact with my mother for over five years when I got word from my siblings that my mother was no longer able to live alone because of mobility issues. I am the eldest of three, and, while my siblings and I are not close, they have respected my choices. Unfortunately, my husband and I were the only ones who had the means and the room to actually help my mother. We looked into home aides and nursing homes and couldn’t afford it so, hesitantly—and after meeting with a counselor since my husband was vehemently opposed to having her live wth us—we decided to "try" it.

What followed was a disaster. They moved her mother into the guest room, and she proceeded to verbally abuse them both. She threatened them with calling the authorities about elder abuse if they didn’t do what she wanted minute by minute. Pauline’s children, 18 and 20, both threatened to move if something wasn’t done.”

Pauline and Hank brought in therapists to evaluate her and were able to obtain a power of attorney so they could sell her mother’s house and fund a nursing home; all of this took close to two years and took a tremendous toll on both of them and their marriage: “It was a nightmare. In trying to do the ‘right’ thing, I put my family in the firing line. We are still undoing the damage. Huge mistake."

Sometimes, though, there are unexpected results, as witness an outlier story shared on my Facebook page. Tracy and her older sister, Jenna, played roles in a drama orchestrated by their mother; Jenna had always been their mother’s unabashed favorite while Tracy was the reliable scapegoat and object of ridicule. Tracy had very limited contact with her mother over the last decade, but she had avoided estrangement; she did not, however, attend family gatherings, even when her father was still living.

Upon learning that their mother had been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia, the two sisters decided they would put their mother in a nursing home with both of them visiting. At first, things were as they always had been; their mother criticized Tracy for everything, from her weight and her clothes to even the snacks and treats she’d bring; it was sufficiently intense that even the attendants noticed. But, as the dementia progressed, their mother began to confuse the two—the tall brunette Tracy and the petite blonde Jenna—until, finally, the roles shifted and Jenna became the object of her mother’s ire. The two sisters managed to bond over this weird and deeply ironic turn of events, which brought each of them new understanding of the dynamics in their family of origin.

Things to consider before you try to reconcile

This isn’t meant to be a comprehensive list but really one to get you thinking about your decision. There are, of course, good reasons to attempt reconciliation and some pretty terrible ones that reflect less on the problem at hand and more on the degree to which you have been damaged by mistreatment. Talking things through with a therapist before you make your move is highly recommended.

It’s not just why you are seeking to reconcile but your own vision of what it might look like. If you grew up being verbally abused—marginalized, ignored, scapegoated, or the like—it’s probably not realistic to think that these parental behaviors will stop on a dime unless your parent shows a willingness to address and deal with those behaviors in a therapist’s office.

Not all parental/adult child rifts are caused by abuse, of course; it’s normal to have a certain amount of tension present, especially if the adult child makes personal choices the parent/s are uncomfortable with. Allie, age 44, moved to reconcile after a two-year mutual estrangement:

My parents both had hard-scrabble childhoods, and they were both controlling and very clear about what they expected my older brother and I to achieve. They weren’t mean, but they also didn’t cut you any slack. My brother and I used to joke that we already served in the military since we were raised by drill sergeants. They paid for college and sent us both to law school and we did them proud by making partner. It looked like mission accomplished, but then the pandemic came and I started working from home and I was so relieved to be off that stressful treadmill and to be able to see my kids more.

It was an epiphany like the lawyer in the movie "In Her Shoes" who becomes a dog walker. I decided to quit the firm with my husband’s blessing; the change in me was huge. I hadn’t really appreciated the stress I was experiencing and how reactive I’d become. All good, except for my parents who acted as though I had committed armed robbery or become a drug dealer. They were enraged and demanded the law school money back, and we actually worked out a schedule. But that didn’t do it for them. I became a real estate attorney in town, advising both realtors and clients, which didn’t bring in the big bucks I’d been making, but it didn’t matter except to my parents.

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While she is making an effort to open a dialogue, she is not entirely hopeful, in part because of her husband who thinks that if they do get in contact, there have to be strict boundaries in place. He feels taking back a gift (the law school money) is abusive,

No matter what is motivating you, it’s important for you to be able to read your parents’ reactions to your extending yourself. Following is a list of signals that it may not be possible to establish contact except on the terms that led you to estrange in the first place.

• Your parent blame-shifts the estrangement onto you. Telling you that you are a drama queen, that you make mountains out of molehills, are too sensitive, or simply make things up are ways a parent can make you the sole actor in this drama. More important, he or she doesn’t take any responsibility.
• Your parent demands an apology for your insolence and disrespect. Amazingly, one mother demanded that her daughter write an apology email, exonerating her parents, and asking forgiveness from the extended family, friends, and others on the advice of members of her estranged parents' group; needless to say, it did not happen. This is simply a form of gaslighting combined with blame-shifting.
• Your parent refuses to see or speak to a counselor or therapist. Because he/she/they did nothing wrong and absolutely did their best. You, after all, are one with the problem.

A final note on both estrangement and reconciliation

Human infants are born hardwired to need touch and attention from their caregivers; we are tribal creatures who need a feeling of belonging, and there doesn’t seem to be an expiration date on that. Seen in that context, seeking reconciliation—no matter how farfetched it may seem—isn’t a sign of weakness but of your humanity. Alas, the Rolling Stones had it right: "You can’t always get what you want."

The ideas in this post and interviews are drawn from my books Daughter Detox and Verbal Abuse

Copyright Peg Streep 2024